One Word.....Beautiful

August 10, 2010

Today was the dreaded day. Landen and I honestly believed that visitation would be much worse than the funeral.

My mom wanted to go see Leightyn before visitation. I tagged along with her. I took pictures (lots of pictures....big and small) to place in the chapel lobby. I wanted people to see Leightyn in her happy times. To see how much Leightyn loved life. To see how she lived her life to the fullest.

My mom went to see Lei, but I couldn't. I just wasn't ready. I sat in the lobby trying to pump myself up to go inside. I got enough energy to stand up. I mustered up enough courage to walk to the door and look through the window. There in the front of the chapel was a beautiful pink casket. It was so tiny. Caskets should not come that small. I decided that it was time to go in. I had to see her before the crowd arrived that evening. Slowly, I took one step, at a time, down the aisle. I kept my head focused down. I wasn't ready to see her. In my mind, it was all still a bad dream. My baby wasn't really gone. My baby wasn't "sleeping" in the pink casket. My baby didn't have a tumor. It didn't seem possible.

As I got to the front of the chapel, I still couldn't look at Lei. I asked mom if she looked good. I was worried about the shaven part of her head. I was worried that Leightyn's head would be bruised. I was afraid that she would look like her make-up was painted on. I was afraid her dress would be to big. I was afraid her casket would be to big for her.

But, there she was. My baby was beautiful!. Her hair bow covered the evidence of her drain tube. Her make-up was perfect. The dress fit perfect. She even had her Belle doll to sleep with. But there she was.....it really made me realize that my baby was in that casket. Everything that had happened in the last 48 hours was not a bad dream. Leightyn really was in Heaven singing with Jesus.

I don't even remember crying. I couldn't take my eyes of her. She was absolutely beautiful. She looked like a doll.....a real baby doll. I just stood by her side, staring at her beautiful face.

She was my beautiful baby!