A Letter From Momma

August 19, 2010
My precious Lei Babe,

I can't get you off my mind tonight. Nights are rough....it's hard to sleep knowing that my cuddle buddy is not going to be in my bed early in the morning asking to watch tv. Tomorrow it will be two weeks since our lives changed forever. Two weeks since I got to hold you. Two weeks since I heard you say "mom.....serious". Two weeks since I have heard singing and laughing in the car. Two weeks since I have played "The Clue Game" and "I Spy With My Little Eyes" on the way to the store. It's only been two weeks, but it seems like two years.

Today you would have started kindergarten. Your daddy and I have been completely lost today. We have always talked about you going to school. You couldn't wait to start. You were so excited when your Dr. told you that you would be the smartest kid in your class. You had your new outfit picked out. Your backpack and supplies ready to go. We had plans to take you to IHOP for breakfast this morning. We planned to pray together every morning in the car while waiting to be dropped off. We had planned on letting you be "sick" some days so we could have fun days. Daddy and I have wondered all day about the stories you would come home and tell. Would you like your teacher? How many new "best" friends would you have? What would be the best part of school? But instead of signing school papers this morning, your daddy and I had to go sign papers at the funeral home. Not something we ever planned on doing the first day of school.

Mylea misses you so much. She is lost without you. Uncle Lloyd, Daddy, and I took Mylea to McDonalds last week and she didn't play. She just walked around like she didn't know what to do. You were such a great big sister. You always took care of MyMy and made sure she wasn't far from you. At story time this week, Mylea wasn't sure where to sit. You always made sure that you sat on the exact same spot on the rug and Mylea would sit right next to you. Mylea wanted to go to ToysRUs to look at the cars and the bikes. It was a meltdown from the beginning. I think Mylea finally realized that you were gone. As I put her in bed tonight, Mylea gave me a big hug and said "Mommy, I wuv you. And I wuv my sissy". I told her that I loved Lei Lei also. Mylea just held on tight and told me over and over how much she loved you.

Oh Lei Babe, I wish I could have done something to protect you. I want you to know that your daddy and I are not mad at God. We know He has His reasons for needing you, but it doesn't make it any easier. As your parents, we are suppose to protect you, and we couldn't. The Drs. have said over and over that there was nothing that could have been done....even months ago when you had your first headache. We just wish we could see the bigger picture and we really wish it involved you being here on earth with us.

People are still talking about you. As long as they talk, I feel like you are here with us. It scares me to think that one day you might become a memory to people. I want your name, your memory, your sweet face to live forever.

Lei Lei, my heart is broken. Nothing will ever fill the hole I have in my heart. I am so lost without you. There are days that I don't think I can get out of bed. But I have to. I have to be strong for Mylea. Sometimes I want to break down and just lose it. But I have to be strong for others.

I dread the next 24 hours. If it is like last weekend, I will constantly be looking at a clock. Replaying those last 24 hours in my mind. I don't know if I will ever forget some of those images. When I walk by our bed, I automatically think of you laying there....not of us jumping on the bed, not of us pretending to be sleeping when Daddy got home, not of us cuddled up watching a movie. When I walk the driveway, I think of Uncle WeWe holding you and me begging you to wake up while waiting for the ambulance.....not of the many hours we spent outside chalking the driveway, not of you and Mylea in the bounce around, not of you riding your bike, scooter and car. I see you in the hospital bed. No mother should have to see their child like that. I see all your friends and family singing praises to God....even in our darkest hour.

And that's what we are going to do Leightyn Nan! We are going to keep praising God. God will get the victory....not Satan. Your daddy and I feel honored to be your parents. God could have chosen any one, but instead, He chose us. You are my girl. I will brag on you until the day that I die. You, my little angel, have changed many lives and many hearts. Your visitation and funeral were a testimony to the impact you have made on others. So many people came to see you and came to see you to your Heavenly home. Daddy and I never expected the crowds we saw. We never expected hundreds of emails and calls. There are people who don't know us and ,who never met you here on earth, that are writing us telling how you have changed them. God has used you to work miracles.

So Lei Lei, as I sit here tonight, lost in my thoughts with tears streaming down my face, I want you to know that I love you and I miss you.

Love,
Momma