Ramblings....

6 weeks
41 days
984 hours
59,040 minutes

since our lives changed forever...

That's 12 trip to the library for storytime
6 trips to McDonalds for our weekly lunch date
18 church services that Leightyn has not hugged every person in sight
20 days of Kindergarten that she would have loved

and yet.....

life must go on.

"How do you go on with your life?"

That's a question that I get several times a week.

My answer is "I don't know but I have to keep living". How do you bury your baby and continue to live? There is no common answer for this question. To live....is a daily decision I have to make every morning. I have to choose to get out of bed. I have to choose to get ready and get Mylea ready. I have to choose to continue to do the routine we did before our lives changed.

Psalm 34:17-20 -The righteous cry and the LORD hears, And delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, And saves those who are crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous; But the LORD delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; Not one of them is broken

Daily, I choose to trust God. To trust that He will get me through the day. To trust that He will not put me through more than I can handle at the moment. To choose to glorify Him even though my heart aches.

Psalm 50:15-And call upon Me in the day of trouble; I shall rescue you, and you will honor Me."

I have to continue to live. Mylea deserves the same great childhood that Leightyn had. Mylea deserves the memories and I need the memories. I'm not going to sugar coat my feelings. It sucks! (I don't like that word but it really describes the feeling). It's hard to watch Mylea doing things that Leightyn loved to do. It's hard to see that Mylea has a hard time playing because she's not use to being alone. It's hard to get Mylea to behave with so many people letting her do whatever whenever she wants. It breaks my heart when my once independent child cries gut wrenching tears and pleads with me not to leave her at different activities.

I would give anything to go back to when Leightyn and Mylea were best friends. But I can't. Not here. I have to wait until I get to meet my baby at Heaven's gates. I can't wait for the day when Leightyn gives me tour of Heaven. To see her friends. To hear her stories.

" I am dying from grief; My years shortened by sadness. Misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within. But I am trusting You, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" My future is in your hands". Psalm 31:10,14-15


"How Do You Do It"

My answer is "manna". Manna?!?!? Yes, Manna. When the children of Israel were walking around in the wilderness, God told them that He would provide enough manna to sustain them. Every day, I have to remind myself that God will provide the manna that I need to get through the day (really to get through each minute). I have to remember that God will not put me through more than I can handle. Even on the days, when I have reached my limits, I have to remember that if God takes you to it, He will bring you out of it.

Philippians 4:6-7 - Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


"How Are You Honestly Doing"

I always have to pause when I get this question. Sometimes, I want to reply....well, how do you think I'm doing. I just buried my baby. Mylea is lost. I feel like my world is going to fall into a million pieces at any moment....you get the point. Those are the moments when I feel an emotional break down coming on. And if you happen to be the person who is there for the breakdown...well, please accept my apology right now.

Honestly....I have my moments. It's hard to describe how the happiest things in life now bring you sadness. There are times that I have guilt. There are days that I want to scream at every person I see. There are moments when I see other moms yelling at their kids or making sarcastic remarks about how bratty their kids are...and I want to get in their face and say "wake up...be thankful that you have a child who can be a brat". It breaks my heart (actually makes me mad) when I hear and see people taking advantage of Leightyn's death. It's really hard to understand how we have lost friends through this experience. It stinks that people think they have to be careful with their words and how they act around us.

WOW!!! Guess I was needing to do some venting tonight!!!

So....back to the question.
There are many days that I have to stay busy.
Busy to get through the day.
Busy to keep from going insane.
Busy to keep the reality of what has happened off my mind.
And, to be honest, busy to keep from facing reality.

I got to share (or more like ramble on and on and on) Leightyn's Lifesong with my MOPS Mommas this week. I just have to say that I love those gals. I honestly do not know what I would do without them. (If you want info on our group....let me know. There's my advertisement for the week). When I got home, I was on cloud nine the rest of the afternoon. I just LOVE getting to talk about Leightyn. It's like she is still with us when we get to share her story.

And as type this.....my mind is blank. I am speechless (for once). I can't even think of a way to end this post or a way to bring it all together so that it makes sense.....so, I guess you can take it like it is. Maybe the next post will be less ramblings........who knows!?!?!