Saturday, September 11, 2010

Week of Milestones

Dear Leightyn,

I survived a week of "firsts" without you here. Somehow, all week, I was able to put a smile on my face and act like everything was ok. Even though I had a smile on my face, deep inside I was ready to scream and throw a fit.

Last Sunday was Mylea's 3rd birthday. You know how I love decorating for birthdays. I debated all week if I should decorate or not. People told me "she won't know", "she won't care about the decorations", and "maybe you should wait till next year". But I couldn't wait, I had to decorate. In my heart I knew that Mylea deserved the same birthday memories that you had. So, daddy and I decorated the house at 11 pm. I used the same decorations that were used to celebrate you turning 5 just two months ago. I will never forget your 5th birthday. You stayed at Grandad and Jo's the night before. Jo brought you home and as soon as your walked in, I started singing to you. I remember you looking around at the balloons, streamers, and banners. With bright shining eyes, you looked up at me and said "Thanks you, Thank you Momma". It melted my heart to see you so excited over my Dollar Tree decorations.

Mylea opened her presents when we got home from church. I finally broke down and decided it was time to get her the power wheels John Deer tractor. You both loved to play on it at Toys R Us and you both begged for it as a present. As soon as Mylea unwrapped it, she hopped in and was ready to go. Only, instead of sitting on the drivers side, Mylea sat in the passenger seat and wanted to know who was going to drive her around. She didn't know what to do. Mylea was so use to you driving her at Grandad and Jo's. She was confused how it was going to work. She said (and I will never forget this), "I can't drive, my sissy drives".

On Tuesday night we had a small family dinner and party at Chuck E Cheese. We went to the new La Huerta (next to ToysRUs). It was tough walking in there. I kept thinking about all the Thursday lunches we had at "the peanut place" (as you called it). You loved to go eat peanuts and steak for lunch. The party at Chuck E Cheese was different. This was my first time to go with out you. There were so many new games that you would have loved. I kept catching my self calling out your name and looking for your smiling face.

Wednesday was the first day of MOPS. We sure do love our playgroup. It was weird walking in with just Mylea. Last year I always had you, Mylea, and Macy tagging along behind me. It was hard on Mylea. She moved to Ms Denises' room. She knew all about Ms Denise. You told her so many stories about what to expect in this room. Every momma writes the names of their children on their nametags. As I held my nametag, the tears began to fall. I know you are my child and in my heart you always will be. But as I stood with Ms Kim and Ms Natalie, I didn't know what to write. I just looked up at the other mommas with tears and said "I don't know what names to write". I wanted to write your name, I just didn't know it I was suppose to. The mommas looked at me with tears and said "write Leightyn, she is and always will be your child".

Wednesday night was the kick off party for Awanas. Man, you loved Awanas. You couldn't wait to move up to the Sparkie class. You had already taught Mylea the motto and key verse for Cubbies. Mylea was so excited to finally be a Cubbie. For the kick off party, we had an inflatable obstacle course in the gym. I kept thinking to myself, "Leightyn would have loved this". As I watched the kids play and have fun, I kept thinking to myself "Leightyn should be here". When Bro Dale blew his whistle and every one lined up for pledges, I cried my eyes out. Lei Baby, I could see you standing on the lines proud to be a Cubbie. So happy to be at church.

Thursday afternoon, Daddy and I made a quick trip to St Louis. Travis' little girl was having her second open heart surgery early Friday morning. After surgery, Daddy and I went back to see Kylie. As soon as I saw Kylie, in her bed with tubes, a flood of emotions came rushing back. I held them in as best as I could until I got back to the waiting room. It brought back so many emotions. I was so happy that they had a success story, but in my heart I wondered why our success story was on a different scale.

While we were in St Louis, Grandad took Mylea to the coffee shop. I know it was hard for him, but Mylea loved it. I think that Grandad is trying to teach her how to make the best coffee. You may need to remind Mylea how many times you have to stir the coffee.

Today (Saturday) was Mylea's birthday party. She couldn't wait for her big big slide. We had the same water slide that we had at your party...just two months ago. While helping me decorate with balloons, Mylea said that she wanted to send all her balloons to sissy. She let 5 or so balloons go before the party. We stood and watched them make their way to Heaven. It was a bittersweet moment. At the end of your party, you and Mylea sent all the balloons to Grandma Nancy in Heaven. When Mylea's party was over, she sent the rest of her balloons to you.

Daddy said he saw you in a dream. You told him that "you are having so much fun" in Heaven. I know you are! I bet you finally got to climb Zaccheus' tree (you were always so interested in that tree).

I have so many more stories that I can't wait to share with you. But right now, I am drained...emotionally and physically. I need some sleep (for once) so that I can try to function another day.

I love you Lei Babe. I miss you so much. My heart aches for you.

But I know that I will see you again !


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