It's been two months since our lives were forever changed. I can't believe that it has only been two months......it seems like it has been a year since I have seen your smiling face and heard you say "mom....seriously". I haven't written to you in a long time. It's not that I don't have things to say, it just that as soon as I sit and begin writing....the tears and emotions start flowing. I'm sorry that I have waited so long.
Daddy and I were talking the other day about how crazy this all has been. It's crazy that our healthy girl had cancer and we never knew. It's crazy that you are no longer here with us. We sometimes feel like you have gone on a trip and that at any moment you are going to walk in the door and be back with us. It's crazy how life can change in a matter of moments.
I feel guilty that I am able to move on. Wait, I don't mean move on....I feel guilty that I have continued life without you here. I feel like I should be in a pit, unable to live, unable to think, unable to accept my new normal. When I think about losing you, it makes me sick. Should I be able to adjust so quickly? I don't know how we have found our new normal so quickly. You are on my mind and in my thoughts. Lei Babe, I will never forget you and I will never stop loving you. But we have had to adjust for Mylea. She needed to know that we were still going to keep on keeping on.
Mylea misses you so much. Daily she talks about you and ask questions about you. While at Hobby Lobby, she found this blond pig-tailed scarecrow. I think she was instantly in love! Mylea calls the scarecrow "Leightyn". She just needed a way to know that you were still around. And Leightyn, I love it! Mylea takes you with her everywhere. She plays with you and talks to you. Just a few days ago, I had to buckle "Leightyn" up so that she wouldn't get hurt while we were running errands. Mylea has grown up so much in the last month. She just talks and talks and talks. She has started doing school work because "my sissy did her school work". Mylea loves going to Awanas. She is very proud that you taught her some verses and the motto. At bedtime, she ends her prayers with "Tell Leightyn hi and I love her". It is the sweetest thing to hear!
This past Sunday was my first week back in Children's Church since every thing happened. I remember the last week I taught, you wanted to sit in my lap the entire hour "cause I love my momma". Anyways, I had gotten a lesson together on the Lord's prayer, but God had something else in mind. During song time, we began with "Every Ounce of Me", and the "I Have Decided....No No No" and ended with "My Savior, My God". Did you notice that all of those songs were your favorite songs! I can still hear your voice singing loud and proud each of those songs.
When it was time to start the lesson, I couldn't get the first words to "My Savior, My God" out of my head. I sat the kids down and we talked about the words "I am not skilled to understand, what God had willed, what God has planned". Oh Leightyn......that was exactly how I felt. I don't know or understand why God planned to take you early. Why you? Why not another child? Why couldn't our miracle be that you would have woken up and be fine?
The next words we talked about were "My Savior lives, My Savior loves, My Savior is always there for me, My God He was, My God He is, My God He's always gonna be". That's so true Leightyn, no matter what happens, my Savior and my God are the same as they were before we lost you. God was just doing His will, and even though we don't like it, God is still on the throne!
After we talked about the song, I tried to go in to my lesson, but I just couldn't. I wanted to keep talking about you. We talked about Heaven. The kids wanted to know if you were ok. If you would remember them. If you were scared. If they would see you again. If they would have to say good-bye again. We had the best discussion (and some tears) about how you are having the time of your life in Heaven. We talked about us getting to see you again and how this time there would be no good-byes. We talked about forever.....i mean FOREVER. The kids were in awe of how long fffoooorrrreeeevvvveeeerrrr would be. They were excited to know that you would remember them and that you would be so happy to see them. They asked if you could give them a tour and let them meet your new friends. Oh Lei....what a day it will be when we get to see you again......forever!
The kiddos at church miss you so much. There isn't a service that goes by with out one of your friends telling me how much they miss you. Last week, I peeked in one of the Awana rooms. On the board, a child had written " I Love Leightyn". It brought a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. That night, someone else had written you a message on another board. They don't understand why you are gone (and neither do I), but they sure do miss you!
Last week, I got the privilege to speak to the women's group at church. You know how much those gals loved you. There were tears, tears, and more tears. I got to share all of the miracles we have seen and heard about through your little life. It is amazing how many lives you have affected in your short five years on earth......more that most people ever reach! That's what keeps me going! Hearing how my girl has changed people.....makes me one proud momma!
There is a song that your daddy and I listen to constantly. When I think about this song, I can picture you in Heaven, telling us to see...
Right now all I can taste are bitter tears
Right now all I can see are clouds of sorrow
From the other side of all this grief
Is that you I hear, laughing loud
Calling out to me
See, its everything you said that it would be
And even better than you would believe
And I’m counting down the days
Until you’re hear with me
And finally you’ll see
I Love You Leightyn Nan!
PARTIES PARTIES PARTIES
3 years ago