Dear Lei Babe.....
WOW......What a week!
A very emotional week for your momma. I feel like reality has finally started to set in. It's once again a late Thurday night/early Friday morning and I am replaying every minute over and over in my head. I just keep thinking that there could have been something that I could have done to help you or maybe there was a sign of cancer that I missed. It just stinks! How could you really be gone for now? Like I said....a very emotional week. Reality is setting in and it's not fun. I see you every where. I feel like our house is so empty. I just miss you so much! Many days I feel like I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown. I have held back many tears this week and I have also let many tears fall. It has just been so hard!
It's report card time here...that means parent teacher conferences. I can't help but wonder what your teacher would have said about you. What would your grades have been like? What books would you be reading by now? Were you a big teacher's helper? Did you learn to make your "3" in the right direction or do they still look like a "S"? Would you be to big for momma to pick you up at the door?
Tomorrow morning we should be on our way to Branson. But Leightyn, I just can't do it. I can't go. I remember planning this Branson weekend back in June. I wanted to take you on a trip as a reward for doing great on your first report card. I told Uncle WeWe my idea and he wanted to join us. You were so excited to be going with your silly WeWe and also Madison. After your funeral, I still planned on going to Branson....just to get away for the weekend. However, the closer the dates got, the more it made my stomach churn. This trip was for you. The entire weekend was planned for you. Sure Mylea was coming with us, but she would not have enjoyed the water park as much as you. So, daddy and I talked and we are going to skip out on the trip. As emotional as the week has been for us....Branson is the last place we need to be.
So, what all are you and Grandma Sissy (Nancy) doing in Heaven. I know yall are having a blast. Her birthday was this week. I wondered what kind of party and cake you had for her. I can only imagine the types of celebrations yall are having. I know she loves having you with her. It's been hard not having her or you here to celebrate her birthday. We spent so many days with her and now you are getting a head start in eternity with her. Please give her a hug for me and tell her that I love her. While you're at it, make one of your silly faces that she loved. Oh yeah, don't forget her birthday spankings!
Daddy, Mylea, and myself met Mr. Chad, Ms. Ashley, and Laney at Chick-Fil-A tonight. We had a great time with them. It was good just to be back to Chick-Fil-A with them. We sure have spent many nights there with them. I remember how we use to go there after t-ball practice. It got to the point that you and Logan wanted to skip practice and go straight to eat at Chick-Fil-A.
You guys sure were silly!!! Back to tonight....it was what I needed. We talked, and laughed, and hide a few tears. Laney and Mylea had a wonderful time playing. Mylea needed that time with Laney. We were there for three hours...that's right...3 hours! Can you imagine playing there that long? Towards the end of the night, Laney came out and tried to tell Ms. Ashley a secret. She kept saying that you missed your sissy and that you were crying. Sure enough, I looked through the window and there were big tears streaming down Mylea's face. I know she misses you. I just wish I knew how to talk to her. I want Mylea to know that it is ok to miss you, to talk about you, and to cry over you. And that's what she got to do tonight with Laney Grace. In her own way, Mylea got to talk about things with Laney.
Mr. Chad was telling me a story that I just have to share. I hope I get it right. The other day, Logan was getting out of the truck. Mr. Chad told him to wait a second and he would help. Logan asked why he had to wait and if a car might run over him. Mr. Chad said yes and that Logan needed to watch for other cars. Logan looked up at Mr. Chad and said that it would be ok cause he would get to go to Heaven where Leightyn was. Oh Lei babe....it was the sweetest story. Logan and Laney miss you so much. Yall were the best of friends. God really gave you some special friends here on earth....friends that can't wait to see you again.
Guess what!!!!! Mylea drove her tractor the other day! It was awesome. I had to tell her over and over that it was ok to drive it. She was so afraid that you would be upset....cause you always drove. I convinced her to drive to McDonald's (the tree in the yard) and then to the ice cream store (the green flower pot) and she did! I stood next to her so she wouldn't be scared. Mylea said that you would be happy for her. I know you are!
Daddy and I go to the Dr on Monday. We are going to talk about what happened and go over your records from the hospital. I know that it won't make things any easier and that it won't bring you back, but I need some answers. I need to know how we missed this. What did you have? Does Mylea have a chance of having it? It will kill me if there is a chance that Mylea has it.
So, I'm just hoping for some answers.....answers that I need to hear.
Leightyn....I have so much guilt about some things that happened in those few short hours. I feel guilty that Uncle WeWe carried you out of the house. I just remember telling him "I can't do it", so he carried you. I should of carried you out. I remember him holding you in the driveway as I wondered around trying to call people and begging you to wake up. WeWe and I have never talked about it, but I know that it was his honor to be holding you. But....you should have been in my arms....your momma's arms....and I'm sorry that I couldn't do it.
I should have never left your side at the hospital. I don't know why I did....other than just to get away for a few minutes. I should have been there, right next to you, the entire time. I am so thankful that your Jo stayed there for me. But once again, it should have been me. I really don't think that I understood how serious everything was. It was like a dream....a horrible nightmare.
I think about when it came time for the Drs to do the 12 step test to determine brain activity. We were told that anyone could be in the room during this test. I remember saying "I can't, I can't watch, I can't be in there". I don't even know what they did during this test, I have heard that it was hard to watch. But I should have been there as your mommy.
When organ donation was ruled out and it was time to take you off the machines and let you "medically" go, I should have been in the room. I knew you were already gone, but I should have been with you. I remember telling your daddy "I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch you die". Oh baby, I should have been there for you. Not looking through the window. Not stepping in for just a few minutes, only to step right out. I should of been the one holding you, telling you how much I loved you, and kissing you good-bye. I'm so sorry!
I remember someone asking me if I wanted to hold you, and once again, I just couldn't do it. You were so lifeless. I didn't want that to be my last memory of you. Not that that memory is any better than any other memories that weekend. What I wouldn't give to be able to hold you. I am so thankful that my family stuck around and were there for me when I couldn't do it. But still, it should have been me.
It's been a tough week....can you tell?
I Love You So Much!!!!
PARTIES PARTIES PARTIES
3 years ago