Thursday, October 21, 2010

Emotional Letter

Dear Lei Babe.....

WOW......What a week!

A very emotional week for your momma. I feel like reality has finally started to set in. It's once again a late Thurday night/early Friday morning and I am replaying every minute over and over in my head. I just keep thinking that there could have been something that I could have done to help you or maybe there was a sign of cancer that I missed. It just stinks! How could you really be gone for now? Like I said....a very emotional week. Reality is setting in and it's not fun. I see you every where. I feel like our house is so empty. I just miss you so much! Many days I feel like I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown. I have held back many tears this week and I have also let many tears fall. It has just been so hard!

It's report card time here...that means parent teacher conferences. I can't help but wonder what your teacher would have said about you. What would your grades have been like? What books would you be reading by now? Were you a big teacher's helper? Did you learn to make your "3" in the right direction or do they still look like a "S"? Would you be to big for momma to pick you up at the door?

Tomorrow morning we should be on our way to Branson. But Leightyn, I just can't do it. I can't go. I remember planning this Branson weekend back in June. I wanted to take you on a trip as a reward for doing great on your first report card. I told Uncle WeWe my idea and he wanted to join us. You were so excited to be going with your silly WeWe and also Madison. After your funeral, I still planned on going to Branson....just to get away for the weekend. However, the closer the dates got, the more it made my stomach churn. This trip was for you. The entire weekend was planned for you. Sure Mylea was coming with us, but she would not have enjoyed the water park as much as you. So, daddy and I talked and we are going to skip out on the trip. As emotional as the week has been for us....Branson is the last place we need to be.

So, what all are you and Grandma Sissy (Nancy) doing in Heaven. I know yall are having a blast. Her birthday was this week. I wondered what kind of party and cake you had for her. I can only imagine the types of celebrations yall are having. I know she loves having you with her. It's been hard not having her or you here to celebrate her birthday. We spent so many days with her and now you are getting a head start in eternity with her. Please give her a hug for me and tell her that I love her. While you're at it, make one of your silly faces that she loved. Oh yeah, don't forget her birthday spankings!

Daddy, Mylea, and myself met Mr. Chad, Ms. Ashley, and Laney at Chick-Fil-A tonight. We had a great time with them. It was good just to be back to Chick-Fil-A with them. We sure have spent many nights there with them. I remember how we use to go there after t-ball practice. It got to the point that you and Logan wanted to skip practice and go straight to eat at Chick-Fil-A.
You guys sure were silly!!! Back to was what I needed. We talked, and laughed, and hide a few tears. Laney and Mylea had a wonderful time playing. Mylea needed that time with Laney. We were there for three hours...that's right...3 hours! Can you imagine playing there that long? Towards the end of the night, Laney came out and tried to tell Ms. Ashley a secret. She kept saying that you missed your sissy and that you were crying. Sure enough, I looked through the window and there were big tears streaming down Mylea's face. I know she misses you. I just wish I knew how to talk to her. I want Mylea to know that it is ok to miss you, to talk about you, and to cry over you. And that's what she got to do tonight with Laney Grace. In her own way, Mylea got to talk about things with Laney.

Mr. Chad was telling me a story that I just have to share. I hope I get it right. The other day, Logan was getting out of the truck. Mr. Chad told him to wait a second and he would help. Logan asked why he had to wait and if a car might run over him. Mr. Chad said yes and that Logan needed to watch for other cars. Logan looked up at Mr. Chad and said that it would be ok cause he would get to go to Heaven where Leightyn was. Oh Lei was the sweetest story. Logan and Laney miss you so much. Yall were the best of friends. God really gave you some special friends here on earth....friends that can't wait to see you again.

Guess what!!!!! Mylea drove her tractor the other day! It was awesome. I had to tell her over and over that it was ok to drive it. She was so afraid that you would be upset....cause you always drove. I convinced her to drive to McDonald's (the tree in the yard) and then to the ice cream store (the green flower pot) and she did! I stood next to her so she wouldn't be scared. Mylea said that you would be happy for her. I know you are!

Daddy and I go to the Dr on Monday. We are going to talk about what happened and go over your records from the hospital. I know that it won't make things any easier and that it won't bring you back, but I need some answers. I need to know how we missed this. What did you have? Does Mylea have a chance of having it? It will kill me if there is a chance that Mylea has it.
So, I'm just hoping for some answers.....answers that I need to hear.

Leightyn....I have so much guilt about some things that happened in those few short hours. I feel guilty that Uncle WeWe carried you out of the house. I just remember telling him "I can't do it", so he carried you. I should of carried you out. I remember him holding you in the driveway as I wondered around trying to call people and begging you to wake up. WeWe and I have never talked about it, but I know that it was his honor to be holding you. should have been in my arms....your momma's arms....and I'm sorry that I couldn't do it.

I should have never left your side at the hospital. I don't know why I did....other than just to get away for a few minutes. I should have been there, right next to you, the entire time. I am so thankful that your Jo stayed there for me. But once again, it should have been me. I really don't think that I understood how serious everything was. It was like a dream....a horrible nightmare.

I think about when it came time for the Drs to do the 12 step test to determine brain activity. We were told that anyone could be in the room during this test. I remember saying "I can't, I can't watch, I can't be in there". I don't even know what they did during this test, I have heard that it was hard to watch. But I should have been there as your mommy.

When organ donation was ruled out and it was time to take you off the machines and let you "medically" go, I should have been in the room. I knew you were already gone, but I should have been with you. I remember telling your daddy "I couldn't do it. I couldn't watch you die". Oh baby, I should have been there for you. Not looking through the window. Not stepping in for just a few minutes, only to step right out. I should of been the one holding you, telling you how much I loved you, and kissing you good-bye. I'm so sorry!

I remember someone asking me if I wanted to hold you, and once again, I just couldn't do it. You were so lifeless. I didn't want that to be my last memory of you. Not that that memory is any better than any other memories that weekend. What I wouldn't give to be able to hold you. I am so thankful that my family stuck around and were there for me when I couldn't do it. But still, it should have been me.

It's been a tough week....can you tell?

I Love You So Much!!!!


  1. We lost our precious two year old son in May after an 18 month long battle with cancer and complications of it's treatment. I am in town - I believe we have some mutual friends. You are welcome to email me at if you'd like to talk with another mama who understands some of this. Emily

  2. you don't know me and i don't know you. but i want you to know that i'm praying for you and your family.

  3. We've never met, but I've been following your blog. I've never lost a child. I can't possibly imagine what that means to you and you're family. I did loose my dad at a young age, which brought me to my knees in every way imagineable. It's been a while since he passed away, and I still carry a lot of weight and feelings of guilt, just the way you are now. There are always going to be could have beens, should have beens, wanted to be's, that will linger in the back of your mind. Years from now you'll still cry over favorite songs, or special memories. It won't ever go away, and you'll always grieve. But, you will come to a day when the good memories will outweigh the bad, and you you'll get through you're days without so many tears. You'll remember her in every moment, and will smile and laugh knowing how she is still living each one of them with you. You'll cry tears for missing the good times, not because you're remembering the bad. Leightyn will always be a part of your life, and will make her presence known forever. You'll hear her in Mylea's laugh, or smell her when you're in a place she loved, and you'll know that she is still with you.

    Sorry to be so hokey. I know it's so much easier from the outside looking in, and there are no possible instructions that can tell you how to go on. I find the more I talk or think about my dad the more often I get to see him in my dreams. It's not good enough, but I still can't wait for each time I get to see him. It'll never be the same, but you still have her. Keep talking to her, I just know that she is there.

    I was blessed that we got a glimpse of what was to come for my dad about a week before it happened, and got to see that he had no memory of what had happened to him (heart failure). He felt safe, loved, comfortable, and happy. We all went through hell and chaos, but he was peacefully, blissfully, unaware. So, even though I ache for not having been there when he lived his last moments, never getting to say goodbye, thank you, or I love you, but I know without question that for him there was no fear. I hear the trick to healing is in forgiving yourself, and trying to see the situation from their point of view. Living how she would want you to, and not letting her loss tear you apart. I'm still working on doing that, but then again I have mountains to climb in achieving the faith that you and your family so obviously have. That will pull you through it somehow.

  4. Missy, God was in control every single one of those last minutes. You were right where he wanted you ~ don't ever forget that. Sending hugs and prayers...
    Luann Williams

  5. My heart breaks for you. While easier said than done, please don't feel guilty for the little "what ifs" and "I should haves." I know I have my own struggles dealing with the same thoughts concerning when my mom passed away, but through your words it's easy to see how much you loved your daughter.

    Your family will be in my prayers.

  6. Missy, We all second guess ourselves and think, why didn't I do this or why did I do that? Just know that you did the very best that you could during that stressful time. You may always have questions and even doubts about the events that transpired that weekend. It has changed your family forever! I can't even begin to try to imagine your pain, but I know that you are a wonderful and loving mother and Leightyn knows that too! I am in awe of your spiritual and emotional strength that you exhibit everyday! Your faith in God is an awe-inspiring testimony for others to see and experience.

    I love you and my prayers are with you, Landon, and Mylea always!

  7. I stumbbled across your blog today. I know you have heard this a million times, but I am SO incredibly sorry for your loss. I have never lost a child or even nearly lost a child, so I cannot begin to imagine the feelings that you deal with moment to moment. I am praying for you.

    Your daughter sounds truly amazing and I am sitting here crying for you. I am crying for your husband. I am crying for Mylea. I have three daughters of my own and so I can relate to each relationship that you describe.

    The one that tears me up and makes me most ill is little Mylea. Emma (6 years old) and Hannah (3 years old) have that same sister relationship. Hannah does not know what to do without her older sister around.

    At Emma's 5th birthday party, she ran off with one of her friends and left Hannah standing there. Hannah didn't say anything, she just crawled up in my Dad's lap and these huge tears rolled down her cheeks. It broke my heart.

    I cannot imagine dealing with that (on a MUCH larger scale) daily. Not only is your heart breaking for you, it's breaking for Mylea.

    Your testimony and truth on this blog is so insipiring. Your ability to put your feelings in to words is unmatched through any other Mommy blogs I have read.

    I know that it's our job to glorify God, but it would be unjust to others to only share the praises and not the emotion and darkness that you sometimes feel.

    I am not even sure what to say now or if any of this makes sense. But, thank you for sharing your daughter. Thank you for being real. Thank you.

  8. Wherever you are, at any given moment, is exactly where God intended for you to be. I try to remember and not have regrets -but it's hard. I cannot imagine having to apply such things in regards to the loss of a child. The pain you feel must be crippling. Your faith is inspiring, though. Your drive to see the beauty from the ashes will carry you through until you see Leightyn again. If you've never heard it, I thought of the Natalie Grant song, "Held", while reading your blog. Have kleenex handy but it really touches me.
    God Bless you and your family!