Memories To Share

I haven't written in several months. I have struggled with where to take this blog now. It started out as a way to tell Leightyn's story and how our lives changed in such a short amount of time. It then became a way to express my feelings of pain and our journey of how we made it through many "first" the past 16 months.

The last few months I haven't really known what to write about. I just sit and nothing comes.....which means that it isn't the right time to write. I do want you to know that I am in a good place with everything that has happened. God continues to bless us everyday. I now have so much that I want to share about our blessings and God's faithfulness. But not tonight. I have something special I want to share instead.

Back in July we had a birthday party for Leightyn. This was the first without her so we really didn't know what to expect. We invited just the church kiddos. The day was so much better than I could have ever imagined! We asked that the kids bring baby items to be donated to a local Christian ran pregnancy help center/shelter. We were blown away with the amount of items donated!

We also asked each kid to write down their favorite memory of Leightyn. These memories were something that I would cherish forever. I love talking about Leightyn with these kids and couldn't wait to read what they considered their special memory. So, tonight I want to share some of the memories.

"Happy Birthday Lei Lei! The Big 6! My favorite memory is on Sundays. I would always have gum. Leightyn would always come to me and ask for a piece. Once I had sour gum. I told her. She said "it's ok I like it". So I gave her a piece. As soon as she stuck it in her mouth her face turned red. Then she spit it out and said "next time bring sweet gun". So I did and she loved it"

Happy Birthday! I Love You!"

Halie

"She was very nice"

Evan

"I know it will be a fantastic day in Heaven! My favorite memory is Leightyn coming in the church on Sunday mornings. She ran down the hallway and gave me a high-five or a hug! Priceless! I love you, Leightyn! Your Pastor, Forever! "

Bro. Mike

"I remember when Leightyn went to church camp with us. She was a good listener and was so much fun at the pool. I would always try to sit by her during devotion, but other kids would always get to her first. She was such an angel. At church, I would always see her having fun. She sure loved to sing. We all miss her, but we'll see her again someday."

Love, Grace

"I miss Lei Lei so much! My favorite memory with Leightyn was when we were at the river at Devils Den State Park. Holding her hand across the river. This year holding Mylea's hand felt like holding Leightyn's hand again. I will never ever forget her! Love You Leightyn!!"

Alex

"You asked for a memory about Lei Lei so here is mine. I remember when we went to Children's Camp in 2009. Lei Lei went down the slide, and she said "Faith, catch me". And so I did. She smiled and said "Again, again". So she went a whole lot. I always enjoyed playing with her. We will get to see her one day!"

Faith

"You know I have more memories of Leightyn then I could fit on this card. There are two favorite memories that come to mind today. The first one is when Lei was just learning to talk and you would ask her what her name was. She would say "baby" or "I sexy" in this cute little voice. You guys would say "your real name, not your street name". I still crack up about that. She was so little! My all time favorite memory though was when Mady Paige was born. I think Lei might have been the most excited. She was so proud when she came over for the first time to see her. Lei just sat down and held Mady like she was a little mother. In the picture, you can see pure delight in Lei's face"

Duppy

"I asked Hayden and Abby what they missed about Leightyn. Hayden said he misses playing with Leightyn. He then got specific. He said they had a lot of fun playing trains where the little kids room is at church. He misses her so much. Abby talks about Leightyn and everything in general. She misses all of them being together. Leightyn was the leader. Abby looked up to her. She always knew what to do. Abby says everyday that Leightyn is in Heaven with Jesus but Mylea still misses her".

Amanda, Hayden, and Abby

"When I think about Leightyn I feel sad"

Robert

"How do you pick your favorite memory of Leightyn? I guess it would be the river last year at Devil's Den. Missy and I were down there with a bunch of kids. Some of them had a snake cornered at the base of the spill way. Leightyn wanted to go see it. As we got closer, she got nervous and I picked her up and put her on my hip. A few more steps and her whole body began to shake. We hollered at all the kids and we got out of there. She loved the river and had a blast at camp. I am so thankful that she got to go"

Brenda

Here's the kiddos sending balloons up to Heaven for Leightyn.

Seeing the Ordinary Different

So, I just have to share about some of the "Lei moments" I had while we were at Disney. Not that they are that rare, because there are those moments pretty much everyday. Jo, Nige, Miss, Lei, and My all went to Disney in January of 2010. I had to work, so I didn't get to go. I loved talking to Lei that week and hearing about all of the things that they had done, see, and experienced that week. I hate that I didn't get to go, but so glad that she / they all got to experience that trip. I will never forget the night before they were suppose to come home, that Lei told Miss she didn't know why they had to leave, and that "daddy could just come live there".

Well, like I said, its not that I didn't think of her that whole week, or every single day, but just living out the trip that she had went on a little over a year and a half earlier. As a parent who looses a child (which I often don't understand that word "looses", because shes not lost, I know exactly where she is), I believe that we see things in a whole different light than "normal" parents who haven't experienced the home going of a child. So these moments might seem strange to some, but they are seen through different circumstances.

Not in any particular order....

One of the hardest thing for me is to see two little blond haired girls, sisters. This happened on more that one occasion. I remember the first time we were standing in line waiting on one of the many buses. Right there, were two little girls who looked to be the exact same age as Lei and My. It struck me, because I sat there staring and wandering to myself "my, that girl is too big to be Lei, but then I could see it. It wasn't at all, it had been over thirteen months since I had see our little Lei. That is probably exactly how big she would have been. I really miss seeing the two of them together.

As we sat watching the Little Mermaid, which by the way is a great show. There was a song that came on. I had heard it many times before. This time was different. This time I was hearing it as a bereaved dad. (sing along if you want)

"Up where they walk, up where they run. Up where they stay all day in the sun. Wanderin' free - wish I could be part of that world. And ready to know what the people know. Ask 'em my questions and get some answers. What's a fire and why does it - what's the word? Burn? When's it my turn? Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world above? Out of the sea. Wish I could be. Part of that world."

(A little off the subject) First of all, its not like I have a death wish, so don't think I'm going all crazy, but its weird. I would be lying if I didn't say that I don't thing about Heaven a lot, A LOT more that I ever had before. Its like when you go out of town that first time after having kids, and all you think about is wandering what they're doing. Before Lei died, to be honest, I was afraid of death. For a couple of reasons. The first underlying cause was doubt. Not knowing 100% that your saved is nothing to mess around with. It took Lei dying for me to let go of my pride, and worrying about what others think. Secondly, just they awesomeness of God. Knowing that I (or anyone) is worthy of what He has done for and prepared for me. Also, not knowing all of the details of Heaven can be a little scary. Once I knew that I knew, the details don't matter as much. Its going to be awesome!

OK, back to the Little Mermaid. I try, but cant fathom what it will be like to be apart of "that World" ... Heaven. Up where they stay all day in the Son. Finally getting answers to the many questions. I look forward to being apart of that world.

Since we are on songs, there's a couple more that really touched me. The next one was from the Finding Nemo production. Nemo gets lost, and sings: " Where's my dad? I'm all alone. I'm too small to be here on my own. I swam away because I got mad. But now I really need him. Where's my dad?" Part of me wanders what Lei was thinking at 637pm, on August 7th, (although we really believe she was already there) as she took that journey to Heaven and finally met here Jesus. Was she asking for her mommy and daddy, wandering what was going on? It breaks my heart to think that she was scared at any moment. Another part (the real) knows that Jesus was right beside her the whole way, her true Father, safe in His arms. As a father (and a mother as well), its the worst feeling in the world to have that helpless feeling. Knowing that there's nothing you can do to make it better, to make life complete again. All we can do is turn to the cross, and trust more than ever in our faith.

Probably one of the toughest times for me was right after one of the parades. I had kinda gotten away from the rest of the fam. Standing in front of the castle, There was a song that was blaring called Celebrate You. "Its the time of your life. You don't wanna miss out on right here and right now. There's so many reason why you don't wanna stop. Here's your chance, live it up. In everything you do celebrate you". I could, in that moment, know that Lei is having the "time of her life". We all should take TIME and celebrate, not only who God has made us to be, but also celebrate the life we have. Its okay to smile, its okay to live life (in a godly way). As my friend Bro. Mike says; "Christians should be the happiest people on earth". Standing there in front of this amazing castle, hearing this song, in this environment, it just all hit. Man, I miss our little girl, our princess.

Wow this is long, so last but certainly not least, was the Beauty and the Beast show. You see that Wednesday before Leightyn died, we all went to see Beauty in the Beast in Fayetteville at the Walton Arts Center. One of the many bitter sweet moments. I am still to this day, so thankful that God gave us that trip. It was tough watching it without her, but just like everything else, we got through it. I thank God for Lei. I thank God for the memories. I thank God that He continues to give us strength and peace daily and that, even though the journey is hard, I thank God that He allows me to see Ordinary things different.

Lub You Lei, CUWWGT

You're not here

I still think of you every single day that your not here. I still miss you every single day that your not here. Well, we made it. By the grace and the strength of God we made it to the dreaded one year mark. I must say it was a bitter sweet day. As every hour past, starting with the phone call, I would replay everything over in my head again. The call, the drive home, seeing my baby girl laying in the drive way unresponsive, the hospital, seeing you take off in the helicopter (feeling the strong wind as you rode off towards the sky), the drive to Children's, the first time I saw you in ICU. Then the moment came when we got the "good" news, to find out about a half hour later that it wasn't. Its the worst feeling as a father to see your little girl laying there in a hospital bed. Knowing that there's not only nothing that I could do, but from what the doctors said, nothing they could do either. Helpless, hopeless, heartbroken, and praying with all we had for OUR miracle. Then came the waiting, singing, waiting, and the those words at 636pm on august 7th 2010. As surreal as it was, God got us through it. The same God that didn't answer our prayers how WE wanted, was the same God that gave us the peace strength, and the comfort to not only survive, but also to prevail and use our story for His glory. We have grown, and continue to live our lives, but you're not here.

The past few weeks have been no easier. First, we have to deal with the first day of school. I cant believe that you would have been starting first grade. All I can do is wonder what could have been. I know that you would have grown so much, and wonder how much you would have changed. Its tough. Its hard to see all of the many (thousands it seems) of first day of school pics. It makes me sick, jealous, bitter, and down right envious of all those families that get to experience what we couldn't.

Speaking of the first day of school, Mylea started mothers day out. Another milestone! Another bittersweet moment for me. I hate it.. that I do it. I know its not fair to My. We went to an open house on Monday so that we could meet her teacher. I tried not to, but all i could do was think about your open house that we just missed out on by a few days. We had good time, and My was super excited not only for school, but that Annabelle was there too. We got home and got her in bed early. She had an awesome first day of school. I cant wait to see what all she learns and how much she grows. I know you would be and are going to be so proud of her. Did I ever tell you what a great big sister you were (are). Its great that we get to see you through My. The best is when she says "my sissy taught me that".

I don't know what its going to be like when I finally get to see you again. I do know that it will be amazing. I do know that I cant wait, but at the same time, we are going to keep on keeping on. I hope that we make you proud. i hope and pray that we will see what God's will for our lives and the doors He opens for us. Love you Lei. Miss you like crazy since your not here! cuwigt

Please Pray

http://www.stellabrunermethven.com/index.php?id=28

This blog was sent to me today from a friend who thought of Leightyn the entire time she read it. Please take a minute to pray for this family and sweet Stella. Stella is almost three. At the end of June, her family was told that Stella had an aggressive brain tumor wrapped around her brain stem. The tumor is fatal. Nothing medically can be done to remove the tumor. Medicine and treatment can prolong Stella's life, but will not save her. The family has decided to bring Stella home and let her live her life to the fullest until the tumor wins the battle.

Their situation reminds me so much of Leightyn. Stella was healthy. She has a brainstem glioma. This is usually detected in kids around the age of 5. Symptoms for this tumor include headaches and throwing up.

I can't imagine the pain this family is going through just wondering what day will be their last with Stella. To know that your daughter is here and one day the tumor will win. They recently returned from a vacation to Sesame Street Land. They are living out their life to the fullest and making many memories with little Stella.

Here is a summary of the beginning of their journey from June. Please take a minute and say a prayer for this family!

Stella was diagnosed with brainstem glioma. This is an aggressive tumor that has wrapped around her brainstem. Stella’s parents and family have had numerous consultations with some of the best doctors in the world about Stella’s health and care. The tumor is inoperable, and also is widely regarded as being untreatable through chemotherapy or radiation. Such methods will most likely only prolong her life for a short time but will have a negative impact on the quality of life. Above all else Aimee and Michi

are dedicated to the quality of Stella’s life and so have chosen not to pursue any harsh and largely ineffective treatments.

A little over a week ago Aimee and Michi noticed that Stella was having some balance issues and some difficulty walking. Last week they followed up with two doctors, and an ear infection was suspected. On Friday June 24^th Michi and Aimee took Stella in to Sick Children’s Hospital because of its excellent diagnostic care. In the early hours of Saturday they got the devastating news that it was a brain tumor. A few hours later, they learned it was fatal.

Two of the things that have presented differently are firstly, Stella’s young age. Most children with this tumor do not present symptoms till they are five or six, whereas Stella has just turned two. Secondly, there is usually a great deal of vomiting as a symptom, but Stella has not displayed that either. Because of this several departments are meeting to discuss Stella’s case and on Monday will meet with Michi and Aimee to talk to them about their findings and whether there or not they feel the tumor should be biopsied. With the information that is presented Stella’s mommies will weigh their options and decide what is in her best interests.

Back to School

My Baby Girl,

Looks like it is going to be another emotional sleepless night. I just can't get you off my mind and out of my thoughts. I know I haven't written in so long. It's just seems like I never have the right words to express how much I miss you and how much I wish you were here with us.

I saw a post on Facebook today about 27 days till school starts and I thought "wow...in 27 days Leightyn would be going to 1st grade". But the reality is that there will be no buying school supplies and excitement over 1st grade for us. It is still a punch in the gut to think of all we will be missing. I read a blog the other day that talked about missing a daughter's engagement, wedding, and future grandchildren. It made me sad to think of all the big life moments we will miss. But then I thought about all the other big moments we have already missed....1st day of Kindergarten, reading, spelling, birthday parties, sleepovers, Awanas, BFFs....all the little experiences that we could have taken for granted.

I can't believe that we are in the middle of July. A year ago, our lives were perfect. We had the summer planned out and were going to take advantage every day before school began. You were so excited when you found the perfect first day of school dress in Tulsa. You had the best time picking out folders for your backpack. I remember being at GAP and you couldn't choose between a purple or turquoise lunch money purse. Little moments that I will never forget and now that is all the memories I will have of you and school. I see kids your age growing up or hear parents talking about school memories and what all their child has learned and it really hurts. It hurts that I can't be a part of that conversation. It hurts to see your friends making new friends when you should still be a part of the group. It hurts to see lives move on and people grow up.

A couple weeks ago, Mylea attended a VBS here in town. She was so excited to go. When we got to her class, she asked me to stay until it was time for them to walk in. I gladly stayed. As it came time for the opening assembly, Mylea did fine walking in until the girl in front of her had a complete mommy melt down. Mylea looked up at me with big eyes and asked if I would be there to pick her up later. We talked for a second and she gave me a kiss before going in the building. In that moment, I didn't see Mylea. I saw you standing there. It was like we were dropping you off for school. I lost it! It was a total emotional breakdown for this momma. I walked quickly back to the car with other parents looking at me. I could hear their thoughts "Wow...that momma needs some help......it's just Bible School". But it wasn't to me. I just remember sitting in the car thinking that that's how mommas feel on the first day of Kindergarten.

Speaking of Mylea....she has grown up so much these past few months. She talks about you every day and tells me how much she misses you. Today we were in bed watching Caillou. I made a statement about Caillou and Barney being your favorite shows. Mylea quickly responded that she remembered watching these shows with you and that they were her favorite shows too. She talks about you and Heaven so much. Sometimes I think....should any 3 year old know this much about death and Heaven? She has had to grow up quicker than she should. Mylea often asks when you are going to come home from Heaven and live with us again. That's a tough thing to explain to a 3 year old. I try to do the best I can. She wants to know how come you can't come back since Jesus made you better. She asks how come we can't go to Heaven to get you or just to visit for a little. Mylea misses you so much. I watch her around kids and it often looks like she is still looking for you in the group. She'll ask me how come other kids have a brother or a sister to play with and she doesn't...... it breaks my heart. I don't have an answer for her. To be honest, I often wonder the same thing. Why can't you be here with us. Why didn't we get our miracle? Why didn't we have signs that something was wrong? Daddy and I often talk about the why's and what if's. It sure makes me second guess stuff and gets me wondering "why us".

Daddy and I got the house painted a few weeks ago. We talked about moving or building but at the moment, we aren't sure what we are going to do. Anyways the house is all neutral......blah. Talk about depressing. This house that use to be so full of life is now completely a shade of sandstone. No pictures on the walls. No picture frames on the table. No more green and pink polka dots in your room. No more drawings on the wall. No more blue and red in My's room. No more ketchup art in mommy and daddy's room. It's all kinda depressing. The house seems to reflect our past year.

Your 6th birthday was a few weeks ago. As we were eating lunch, Mylea made us all stop eating and quickly reminded us that we didn't sing Happy Birthday to Leightyn yet. Mylea gladly belted out the song and was having fun singing to you. We went on and had a special birthday party for you. We kept it low key and invited the church kiddos. It was something I struggled with, but knew they deserved the party as much as you would want the party. For gifts, we collected baby items to take to the Hannah House. I was blown away with all the items that were collected.....way more than I ever expected. I also asked that the kids give me a card with their favorite memory of you. As I read the cards, I just cried. I could remember the moments they were talking about. Some of the kids told me how sad it makes them to think about you being gone. Some told me how much they miss you and wish you could come back from Heaven. It was all real. Real memories and real emotions. The cards are something that I will cherish forever. Back to the party, they kids and I had a great time. We kept things fun and of course had a water slide. Someone asked my why we were having a party and my response was: Leightyn loved her church friends. These church kids loved Leightyn more than anything. They still love her and miss her so much. I talked about our Leightyn conversations in Children's Church. I talked about how we have all laughed together and cried together. I said that these kids love and miss Leightyn as much as I do. They are the ones who have been by my side since the beginning. The ones who love me and accept me.....tears and all! The ones who have tissues ready for me during song time at church. Leightyn is a memory that these kids want to keep forever. There hearts are broken still. They deserved a fun party that celebrated Leightyn.

And this is where I shall say good night and try to get some sleep. I love you so much. My heart is still broken and will never be complete until we are all reunited together again. Hug my little baby tight and give him a kiss from momma. I love you Leightyn Nan!

Momma

Wow, 6 Years!

To my Precious little girl,

I have got to say that it was difficult to have your birth - day, with out you. It seems like yesterday when we were setting in the hospital holding you for the first time. I remember that first little smile that just melted my heart. You couldnt have been more than a few hours old, (maybe a day). It was just me and momma in the room and she was holding you and you just, out of no where, let out the biggest grin (not sure if there was any gas involved, but none the less). It was absolutley priceless! We actually have it on video somewhere, but we cant find it for nothing. Hopefully one day it will show up, and it will become another one of My's favorites. As rough as it was for me, momma, my, and others, I can only smile as I imagine what your sixth brithday party must have been like in Heaven. Just like everything else, simply amazing!

A few Sundays ago, mommy and I got to talk about your Lifesong and our testimony to a Sunday school class. It was a first for me (well, besides the morning after). Mommy has got to talk about our story to other groups. It was a great experience. We love to talk about you, we love to tell people how God chose our little girl to touch so many lives. I know I have said it before, but you couldnt even begin to imagine the impact that your five short little years has had and contiues to have on people's lives. I am so honored and so proud to call you my daughter. Speaking of Sunday school, we are finishing up our session on Heaven. I must say that it has truly opened my eyes to things that I never had thought of before. My mind cant even begin to imagine what you are experiencing right now, and what awaits all Christians. To see Jesus and Live with God on the New Earth. Wow!

But as it is written: "Eye has not see, nor ear heard, Nor have entered into
the heart of man The things which God has prepared for those who love Him"
1 Corinthians 2:9

I'm so thankful for what God has done through His Son Jesus, so that we can spend eternity with Him and with each other.

Well, I just want you to know that we love you and miss you bunches and bunches. Give everyone hugs and kisses from us. Ill see you when I get there!

Until that day,
Love daddy

I Saw Leightyn!

After 9 1/2 LONG months, I finally saw Leightyn in a dream last night. I was in a room that overlooked a gym. All of the sudden the doors opened and the gym filled with kids around Leightyn's age. There Leightyn was! As beautiful as I remember her. She had on her blue zebra shirt, a colorful hairbow, and a huge smile on her face. She was having the greatest time running around and playing with the other kids. I didn't know any other children. Maybe these are all of her new friends in Heaven! She was laughing and loving life....like she did on earth. Thank you God for letting me see my baby and for letting me see that she was happy and ok!