Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Back to School

My Baby Girl,

Looks like it is going to be another emotional sleepless night. I just can't get you off my mind and out of my thoughts. I know I haven't written in so long. It's just seems like I never have the right words to express how much I miss you and how much I wish you were here with us.

I saw a post on Facebook today about 27 days till school starts and I thought " 27 days Leightyn would be going to 1st grade". But the reality is that there will be no buying school supplies and excitement over 1st grade for us. It is still a punch in the gut to think of all we will be missing. I read a blog the other day that talked about missing a daughter's engagement, wedding, and future grandchildren. It made me sad to think of all the big life moments we will miss. But then I thought about all the other big moments we have already missed....1st day of Kindergarten, reading, spelling, birthday parties, sleepovers, Awanas, BFFs....all the little experiences that we could have taken for granted.

I can't believe that we are in the middle of July. A year ago, our lives were perfect. We had the summer planned out and were going to take advantage every day before school began. You were so excited when you found the perfect first day of school dress in Tulsa. You had the best time picking out folders for your backpack. I remember being at GAP and you couldn't choose between a purple or turquoise lunch money purse. Little moments that I will never forget and now that is all the memories I will have of you and school. I see kids your age growing up or hear parents talking about school memories and what all their child has learned and it really hurts. It hurts that I can't be a part of that conversation. It hurts to see your friends making new friends when you should still be a part of the group. It hurts to see lives move on and people grow up.

A couple weeks ago, Mylea attended a VBS here in town. She was so excited to go. When we got to her class, she asked me to stay until it was time for them to walk in. I gladly stayed. As it came time for the opening assembly, Mylea did fine walking in until the girl in front of her had a complete mommy melt down. Mylea looked up at me with big eyes and asked if I would be there to pick her up later. We talked for a second and she gave me a kiss before going in the building. In that moment, I didn't see Mylea. I saw you standing there. It was like we were dropping you off for school. I lost it! It was a total emotional breakdown for this momma. I walked quickly back to the car with other parents looking at me. I could hear their thoughts "Wow...that momma needs some's just Bible School". But it wasn't to me. I just remember sitting in the car thinking that that's how mommas feel on the first day of Kindergarten.

Speaking of Mylea....she has grown up so much these past few months. She talks about you every day and tells me how much she misses you. Today we were in bed watching Caillou. I made a statement about Caillou and Barney being your favorite shows. Mylea quickly responded that she remembered watching these shows with you and that they were her favorite shows too. She talks about you and Heaven so much. Sometimes I think....should any 3 year old know this much about death and Heaven? She has had to grow up quicker than she should. Mylea often asks when you are going to come home from Heaven and live with us again. That's a tough thing to explain to a 3 year old. I try to do the best I can. She wants to know how come you can't come back since Jesus made you better. She asks how come we can't go to Heaven to get you or just to visit for a little. Mylea misses you so much. I watch her around kids and it often looks like she is still looking for you in the group. She'll ask me how come other kids have a brother or a sister to play with and she doesn't...... it breaks my heart. I don't have an answer for her. To be honest, I often wonder the same thing. Why can't you be here with us. Why didn't we get our miracle? Why didn't we have signs that something was wrong? Daddy and I often talk about the why's and what if's. It sure makes me second guess stuff and gets me wondering "why us".

Daddy and I got the house painted a few weeks ago. We talked about moving or building but at the moment, we aren't sure what we are going to do. Anyways the house is all neutral......blah. Talk about depressing. This house that use to be so full of life is now completely a shade of sandstone. No pictures on the walls. No picture frames on the table. No more green and pink polka dots in your room. No more drawings on the wall. No more blue and red in My's room. No more ketchup art in mommy and daddy's room. It's all kinda depressing. The house seems to reflect our past year.

Your 6th birthday was a few weeks ago. As we were eating lunch, Mylea made us all stop eating and quickly reminded us that we didn't sing Happy Birthday to Leightyn yet. Mylea gladly belted out the song and was having fun singing to you. We went on and had a special birthday party for you. We kept it low key and invited the church kiddos. It was something I struggled with, but knew they deserved the party as much as you would want the party. For gifts, we collected baby items to take to the Hannah House. I was blown away with all the items that were collected.....way more than I ever expected. I also asked that the kids give me a card with their favorite memory of you. As I read the cards, I just cried. I could remember the moments they were talking about. Some of the kids told me how sad it makes them to think about you being gone. Some told me how much they miss you and wish you could come back from Heaven. It was all real. Real memories and real emotions. The cards are something that I will cherish forever. Back to the party, they kids and I had a great time. We kept things fun and of course had a water slide. Someone asked my why we were having a party and my response was: Leightyn loved her church friends. These church kids loved Leightyn more than anything. They still love her and miss her so much. I talked about our Leightyn conversations in Children's Church. I talked about how we have all laughed together and cried together. I said that these kids love and miss Leightyn as much as I do. They are the ones who have been by my side since the beginning. The ones who love me and accept me.....tears and all! The ones who have tissues ready for me during song time at church. Leightyn is a memory that these kids want to keep forever. There hearts are broken still. They deserved a fun party that celebrated Leightyn.

And this is where I shall say good night and try to get some sleep. I love you so much. My heart is still broken and will never be complete until we are all reunited together again. Hug my little baby tight and give him a kiss from momma. I love you Leightyn Nan!


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