Thursday, October 6, 2011

Seeing the Ordinary Different

So, I just have to share about some of the "Lei moments" I had while we were at Disney. Not that they are that rare, because there are those moments pretty much everyday. Jo, Nige, Miss, Lei, and My all went to Disney in January of 2010. I had to work, so I didn't get to go. I loved talking to Lei that week and hearing about all of the things that they had done, see, and experienced that week. I hate that I didn't get to go, but so glad that she / they all got to experience that trip. I will never forget the night before they were suppose to come home, that Lei told Miss she didn't know why they had to leave, and that "daddy could just come live there".

Well, like I said, its not that I didn't think of her that whole week, or every single day, but just living out the trip that she had went on a little over a year and a half earlier. As a parent who looses a child (which I often don't understand that word "looses", because shes not lost, I know exactly where she is), I believe that we see things in a whole different light than "normal" parents who haven't experienced the home going of a child. So these moments might seem strange to some, but they are seen through different circumstances.

Not in any particular order....

One of the hardest thing for me is to see two little blond haired girls, sisters. This happened on more that one occasion. I remember the first time we were standing in line waiting on one of the many buses. Right there, were two little girls who looked to be the exact same age as Lei and My. It struck me, because I sat there staring and wandering to myself "my, that girl is too big to be Lei, but then I could see it. It wasn't at all, it had been over thirteen months since I had see our little Lei. That is probably exactly how big she would have been. I really miss seeing the two of them together.

As we sat watching the Little Mermaid, which by the way is a great show. There was a song that came on. I had heard it many times before. This time was different. This time I was hearing it as a bereaved dad. (sing along if you want)

"Up where they walk, up where they run. Up where they stay all day in the sun. Wanderin' free - wish I could be part of that world. And ready to know what the people know. Ask 'em my questions and get some answers. What's a fire and why does it - what's the word? Burn? When's it my turn? Wouldn't I love, love to explore that world above? Out of the sea. Wish I could be. Part of that world."

(A little off the subject) First of all, its not like I have a death wish, so don't think I'm going all crazy, but its weird. I would be lying if I didn't say that I don't thing about Heaven a lot, A LOT more that I ever had before. Its like when you go out of town that first time after having kids, and all you think about is wandering what they're doing. Before Lei died, to be honest, I was afraid of death. For a couple of reasons. The first underlying cause was doubt. Not knowing 100% that your saved is nothing to mess around with. It took Lei dying for me to let go of my pride, and worrying about what others think. Secondly, just they awesomeness of God. Knowing that I (or anyone) is worthy of what He has done for and prepared for me. Also, not knowing all of the details of Heaven can be a little scary. Once I knew that I knew, the details don't matter as much. Its going to be awesome!

OK, back to the Little Mermaid. I try, but cant fathom what it will be like to be apart of "that World" ... Heaven. Up where they stay all day in the Son. Finally getting answers to the many questions. I look forward to being apart of that world.

Since we are on songs, there's a couple more that really touched me. The next one was from the Finding Nemo production. Nemo gets lost, and sings: " Where's my dad? I'm all alone. I'm too small to be here on my own. I swam away because I got mad. But now I really need him. Where's my dad?" Part of me wanders what Lei was thinking at 637pm, on August 7th, (although we really believe she was already there) as she took that journey to Heaven and finally met here Jesus. Was she asking for her mommy and daddy, wandering what was going on? It breaks my heart to think that she was scared at any moment. Another part (the real) knows that Jesus was right beside her the whole way, her true Father, safe in His arms. As a father (and a mother as well), its the worst feeling in the world to have that helpless feeling. Knowing that there's nothing you can do to make it better, to make life complete again. All we can do is turn to the cross, and trust more than ever in our faith.

Probably one of the toughest times for me was right after one of the parades. I had kinda gotten away from the rest of the fam. Standing in front of the castle, There was a song that was blaring called Celebrate You. "Its the time of your life. You don't wanna miss out on right here and right now. There's so many reason why you don't wanna stop. Here's your chance, live it up. In everything you do celebrate you". I could, in that moment, know that Lei is having the "time of her life". We all should take TIME and celebrate, not only who God has made us to be, but also celebrate the life we have. Its okay to smile, its okay to live life (in a godly way). As my friend Bro. Mike says; "Christians should be the happiest people on earth". Standing there in front of this amazing castle, hearing this song, in this environment, it just all hit. Man, I miss our little girl, our princess.

Wow this is long, so last but certainly not least, was the Beauty and the Beast show. You see that Wednesday before Leightyn died, we all went to see Beauty in the Beast in Fayetteville at the Walton Arts Center. One of the many bitter sweet moments. I am still to this day, so thankful that God gave us that trip. It was tough watching it without her, but just like everything else, we got through it. I thank God for Lei. I thank God for the memories. I thank God that He continues to give us strength and peace daily and that, even though the journey is hard, I thank God that He allows me to see Ordinary things different.

Lub You Lei, CUWWGT

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