Thursday, September 1, 2011

You're not here

I still think of you every single day that your not here. I still miss you every single day that your not here. Well, we made it. By the grace and the strength of God we made it to the dreaded one year mark. I must say it was a bitter sweet day. As every hour past, starting with the phone call, I would replay everything over in my head again. The call, the drive home, seeing my baby girl laying in the drive way unresponsive, the hospital, seeing you take off in the helicopter (feeling the strong wind as you rode off towards the sky), the drive to Children's, the first time I saw you in ICU. Then the moment came when we got the "good" news, to find out about a half hour later that it wasn't. Its the worst feeling as a father to see your little girl laying there in a hospital bed. Knowing that there's not only nothing that I could do, but from what the doctors said, nothing they could do either. Helpless, hopeless, heartbroken, and praying with all we had for OUR miracle. Then came the waiting, singing, waiting, and the those words at 636pm on august 7th 2010. As surreal as it was, God got us through it. The same God that didn't answer our prayers how WE wanted, was the same God that gave us the peace strength, and the comfort to not only survive, but also to prevail and use our story for His glory. We have grown, and continue to live our lives, but you're not here.

The past few weeks have been no easier. First, we have to deal with the first day of school. I cant believe that you would have been starting first grade. All I can do is wonder what could have been. I know that you would have grown so much, and wonder how much you would have changed. Its tough. Its hard to see all of the many (thousands it seems) of first day of school pics. It makes me sick, jealous, bitter, and down right envious of all those families that get to experience what we couldn't.
Speaking of the first day of school, Mylea started mothers day out. Another milestone! Another bittersweet moment for me. I hate it.. that I do it. I know its not fair to My. We went to an open house on Monday so that we could meet her teacher. I tried not to, but all i could do was think about your open house that we just missed out on by a few days. We had good time, and My was super excited not only for school, but that Annabelle was there too. We got home and got her in bed early. She had an awesome first day of school. I cant wait to see what all she learns and how much she grows. I know you would be and are going to be so proud of her. Did I ever tell you what a great big sister you were (are). Its great that we get to see you through My. The best is when she says "my sissy taught me that".
I don't know what its going to be like when I finally get to see you again. I do know that it will be amazing. I do know that I cant wait, but at the same time, we are going to keep on keeping on. I hope that we make you proud. i hope and pray that we will see what God's will for our lives and the doors He opens for us. Love you Lei. Miss you like crazy since your not here! cuwigt

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