Friday, November 12, 2010

To My Precious First Born,

Here we are, three months since you have been with us. My emotions are all over the place lately. I love to talk about you and think about what it would be like to have you with us still. I find myself happy, and then sad, and then ok, and then crying. It's amazing how my emotions can change in a split second.I find myself crying at any and all things. I guess that reality is here and I now realize that you will not be walking in the front door.

Today, Jo and I were at the mall and I couldn't help but wonder if you would still be the same girly girl or if your choice of clothes would have changed when you made friends at school. Speaking of clothes, I packed up part of your closet the other day. You know how it is, the weather changes and the tubs come out of the attic so we can save them for Mylea. I left your untouched school clothes, your favorite dresses, and your beautiful black coat out. It just doesn't seem like the right time to put it all away. When I look at your school clothes, it brings me to tears. I can't help but wonder how you would have loved school and all the stories you would have to share. You were so excited to finally be going to school.

So much has gone on since you left us. We have lost two more family members, your Papaw got hurt at work, and your Uncle WeWe's house burned down. It seems like it is something all the time. I remember WeWe calling me when he first found out about his house. He was so upset about the pictures and cards you had mailed him over the years. Don't worry, I have promised to send him more artwork, schoolwork, and photos once they get in a new house. Your daddy and I can't wait to go visit them for a few days. We have this bond that no one understands. Well, we were close before but Uncle WeWe understands us. How odd is it that his daughter died exactly ten years before you. August 7th is kinda a crazy day! Have you met WeWe's daughter Trina? Does she remind you of Madison? You sure loved Madsion. And she was crazy about you.....just a little:).

Speaking of meeting people, have you met Ms "Carolwin's" grandbabies? They went to see Jesus last week. I know how much you loved Ms Carolwin and how much you loved babies, so I am sure that you are taking care of them and showing them around.

Your daddy and I went to preview your monument before the final wording is finished. I think it is beautiful. It made the past three months seem more real. Seeing your picture on it, with your birth date and your death date took the breath out of me. Mylea went with us and loved your picture. She kept saying that her "sissy is gonna love it".

We met with your sweet Dr a few weeks ago. We went over every thing in your file and looked at all your scans from Children's. Daddy and I just needed closure to a few answers. We got a general idea on the type of tumor. But more importantly, I got to hear over and over that you didn't hurt. I keep replaying your last night over and over in my head. You were perfectly fine when you went to sleep. When you woke up, you needed to throw up and then went quickly back to sleep. You mentioned your head hurting and took some medicine but that was it. I just keep thinking that we could of and should of done something. The next morning when I tried to wake you, you looked up and put your head back down and went back to sleep. I wonder if you were trying to tell me something but you couldn't. It blows my mind how you went from fine to gone in a matter of minutes. Oh Lei, I just wish we could have done something! It just doesn't make sense. Your sweet life over just like that.

Back to the Dr., she told us over and over that you didn't hurt. The tumor somehow shifted causing a lack of oxygen and blood flow. I hope so bad that you weren't hurting or scared. I can't imagine how scared you must of been. With the type of tumor, there was nothing that we could have done if we would have discovered it sooner. There's no cure and it's location was in a tricky and dangerous spot. It just makes me sick! We asked if we should be worried about Mylea and were told that there is no reason to be. Thank You Jesus! I can't imagine just waiting and wondering if Mylea has the same gene.

This past Wednesday was a special night in Awanas. The clubber of the month in each class was announced. Bro Dale has renamed this award to the "Lei Lei award". How cool is that! Bro Dale asked me to be in the gym to present this award. I was a-ok until the pledges started.Then.... I lost it! I kept thinking that you should be here. I kept thinking about how much you loved being at church and in Awanas. I thought about you teaching Mylea to say the pledge. I thought about how you made up your own pledges when you couldn't remember the words. Somehow, all three pledges turned in to one pledge. Bro Dale told the kids about the new award and it really hit home. There should not be an award in your name because you should be here to get the award. I am so thankful that they are doing this award in your honor but still it's tough.

It's that time of the year......holidays! How do I feel about it? I'm not sure. The thought of doing the whole holiday thing without you... makes me want to puke. Getting to see the holidays through Mylea's eyes....brings a smile to my face. You loved decorating the house, and now Mylea can't wait for her tree. Daddy and I have decided that we are only going to do what we can handle. The house will be decorated for Mylea to enjoy. We will travel and put a smile on our faces....but it's gonna stink! It would be ok with Daddy and I if we could just skip on the January 1st.

The mall is all decorated for Christmas. Tonight is Santa's big arrival. You and Mylea had fun at Santa's arrival last year with Logan and Laney. This year, Mylea is down right scared of Santa.....up until last year, you would have nothing to do with Santa. I remember you telling me that you wanted to go see Santa and I was thinking "yeah right". When we arrived at his chair, you walked right up to him and sat on his lap. When you were finished talking, you came right over to me and said "see, I'm not scared anymore, like I was when I was three". It was amazing how turning four changed you. I can't remember how many times I heard "like when I was three" or "well, I'm four now".

You would be so proud of the little sweetheart that Mylea has become! She reminds me of you in so many ways. Her mannerisms and sweetness have you written all over them. She is so polite and loving and still funny as ever. Yesterday in the car, she told me that she didn't love me but it's ok cause she "likes me"! Where does she come up with this? While carving pumpkins, she leaned over and said "I have the best family in the whole wide world". If that doesn't sound like my Leightyn Nan, then I don't know what would! This morning at playgroup, she pulled my photo album out of my purse and proudly walked around showing her friends pictures of you.

Lei Babe, I have to share this email with you. I received flowers from a cool momma named "J". When I sent her a thank you, this was "J's" response......

You have no need to thank us and know that you can expect it because I not only think of your family on the 7th of every month but every day. Let me tell you why. For years I have been trying to make some name for myself in my job and thats what it is a job. I have always thought that the more that my kids have the happier they will be. I have told you before that Lei has changed my life, our life but I don't believe I have made that clear. I am sitting here after a long horrible week at work and my son had a reprimand on the bus and my daughter doesn't want to go to sleep and stay asleep so I am up at 11pm when I have to be up at 5am. Normally I would be very upset as I'm sure you know. Now not so much now. I sit here and thank God I have my son to be upset with and my daughter to be up with. I think about Lei every time I discipline and love and wonder if it is something I would regret tomorrow. I have always thought of myself as to busy to enroll them in things that they would like or want because I'm busy and tired. I don't anymore. "K" is getting ready to go to dance classes and "K" karate. I know that nothing will make Lei come back nor the hurt go away but I thank that little angel every day for making me a better mother! My kids deserved a mom and I wasn't giving that to them. This is something that I have never admitted to anyone. I now know that is the most important thing they can ever have. You write letters to her, so next time will you tell her thank you for making me a better Mom?
I could keep going on but I wont keep you. Give Mylee kisses for us and tell Landon that we are Making time to Make Memories! "T" and I love all four of you and think of you every day. Cant wait till we can spend time together.

Oh Lei, look at the impact that your little life has made! I get emails and notes every week people telling me how you have changed them! Daddy and I are working on an idea to keep your impact going. I can't wait to share it with you, if God allows.

I think that's all my thoughts for tonight! I love you and miss your little smirks so much! Thank you for being mine!


1 comment:

  1. I heard about your story from Kelly's Korner. I've been reading your blog, I hope you don't mind. I just wanted to let you know that you and your husband seem like such amazing people and inpsire me to grow even closer to the Lord. Your precious daughter's story has changed my life, for the better. Thank you for sharing and I will continue to pray for you and your family.