Monday, November 1, 2010

I Wonder.....?

I wonder what you spend your time doing? Do you and Grandma Nancy, Grannie Holmes, Nanny, Poppa, Trina all hang out together all day long? What was it like to meet your family members for the first time? I know that you know them, but do you know them as your family? Probably not, since in all reality everyone is brothers and sisters in heaven. I wish I could have seen the crowd that greeted you at the gates. I wish I could have seen your face when you finally got to meet Jesus. I can just picture you running into His arms as fast as your little legs could take you. Maybe you can replay that for me some day.

Speaking of Jesus, I am sorry that I didn’t take the time to explain things to you better. I am sure there were MANY opportunities that I missed or passed up and I am so very sorry. I really did enjoy the time we all had together doing bible stories. I miss all of your questions. You certainly had some difficult ones that stumped me and mommy both. I should have been better, I should have done more. Mylea just isn’t into the stories like you were. We did read the story about Jacob and Esau giving away his birthright for some soup, and she actually got some questions right. I am going to do better with Mylea.

I wonder if you think about me and mommy and sissy as much as we think about you. Do you get to check on us from time to time and see how we are doing, especially in moments that you would love, such as last night on Halloween. Mylea did an awesome job filling in your footsteps of passing out candy to all of the trick or treaters. It took me back to the exact moment a year ago. When the door bell rang, you would run to the door to see all of the different costumes and hand out the candy. Me and mommy went to get Mylea some costumes for dress up today that were on clearance. She does so well at playing by herself. It’s hard to watch, but it's good, if that makes any sense. Oh yeah, mommy made an angel pumpkin for you, and I will let her tell you what mylea told us when we finished carving pumpkins. It was so precious. I’m sure you are so busy with so many amazing things that you dont have much time to think of us.

I wonder how much better I could have been as a father? I’m sorry that I didn’t take more time to make memories with you. I know we had our moments and we had some good times, but there should have been so much more. Some of the most precious moments that I cherish is when you would be sitting in my lap in the chair. I would say “I Love you Lei” and you would say “I luv you too”. I would say “Lei, look at me” Then you would look me straight in my eyes and I would say “you know daddy loves you so much” and you would say “yeah, I know!” I thank God for those moments, but I could have…. I SHOULD have been better at making more memories.

I just wanted to say that I am sorry for when I punished you. Not that you didn’t need discipline, but for the times when I punished you out of anger. That was so wrong of me and I think (I Hope) I am doing better with Mylea. I remember one time when we were walking to the mommy’s car after a t-ball game and you asked a question and we both told you no and then you got upset, and I swatted your bottom as you were taking a step and I made you fall down. Then I got mad because I made you fall. It was all my fault. I failed in so many ways as a father and I still do. I am trying to do better, and I am sorry I wasn’t better for you. I'm sorry it took your home-going for me to see how much I needed to improve.

I wonder if you even get these letters we send for you? I wonder if you are counting down the days till we meet again? I wonder if God gives you the hugs like I ask Him to give you from us? I could go on and on. There are days when I fight back tears all day long. There are days when I cry like a baby. There are days when I want to see what the rest of this life holds for me, mommy, mylea, and any future "brudders" or sisters. Then there are days when I wish I was with you. However, just like with you, its ALL a part of Gods will and His perfect timing. So, I will continue to follow, serve, love God, and seek His perfect will while I am left here.

I would guess that there are not many fathers who read this blog. If there are, or any moms who would like to pass this along, or even for mom's that matter. I would beg you ...... Take time to make memories. I regret the times I passed up on making memories with Lei. I was "too busy". Yeah, really, too busy? If you call facebook, tv, or just plane laziness (among many other excuses) being to busy. Get angry less, Love more, and ....... MAKE time to MAKE memories.

Love you so much Lei.



  1. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful and heart felt letter. I am a mother to 4 little girls and think of your sweet family daily. You (as parents) make me want to love my girls harder and squeeze them tighter...and make more memories.

  2. My heart is breaking for you....

  3. It's hard to be a perfect parent- especially to preschoolers. You had just started your journey as a parent. Don't dwell on what you did wrong.
    Losing your daughter is unimaginable but it reminds us all to try to do better. No parent should lose a child. Thank you for sharing and teaching us.

  4. Your post is beautiful!!

    I have to confess, I am one of those moms that spend way to much time on the computer, whether it be reading blogs, e-mailing, or on facebook. I am going to take your words and put them to work. I am going to make a promise not to read blogs until after my girls are in bed. I am going to limit my time on facebook and e-mail. Thanks for the wise words. I am going to put more times into my girls.
    My thoughts and prayers are with all of you!