Monday, December 13, 2010

In A Funk

Leightyn Nan,

So, I am in a funk. Well, I have been in a funk for the last two weeks but seem to become more "funk"tified every day. Christmas is next week and I could care less about the holidays. Actually, I am ready for them to be over with. How are we suppose to celebrate without you here with us? It doesn't seem right. I know you are celebrating with Jesus this year but I really want you here with us. Lei Babe, I can't believe it has been 128 days since you left us. With my funk comes lots of wondering why you had to leave us. Last night I was driving home from church and it was like it all of the sudden hit me that you really aren't going to walk through the door at any moment. Someone told us that reality would not set in until the six month point, but I think that reality has set in for me and daddy this past week.

We have been super busy going through the holiday motions. Daddy and I had a Christmas party every night last week. This week seems to be more low key and we are excited for that. Friday night we went with the youth group to the Children's Shelter for a Christmas party and it pretty much stunk for me. All these kids who needs a home and have no where to go. Mylea made a buddy real quick. She enjoyed getting to play with a few of the kids. It showed daddy and I just how much she misses having a playmate. After the party, we went to Creekmore to ride the train through the light display. As soon as we pulled up, daddy and I were ready to leave. There were so many memories from last year. You loved riding the train and you really loved the lights. It just really stunk! People all around us happy and loving life. Families that were complete. Kids everywhere. We were surrounded with happiness but yet, it was all daddy and I could do to hold back the tears. I think it is easier to hold back the tears than it is to have people looking at you like you are crazy. But you know, if people would look in our eyes, they would see heartbreak and pain. This whole situation has made me realize how many times I have seen hurting people around my but I never took the time to see if I could help. Or I guess I never really cared for them and their feelings. It makes me realize how much it stinks to be one of the ones who is hurting and to see how people are to busy in their own lives.

Sunday was an emotional mess for me from the beginning. I was sitting in Sunday School and all the of sudden this vision came clear to my mind. I could see you and Logan running across the playground having a great time at recess. The image was so clear that I felt like I was there with you. It only lasted a second, but it was enough to bring on the tears. I held them in because I did not want to be an emotional mess again. It was so nice to see your smiling face but I wish I could have seen it longer. During the morning service, every song we sang got to me. We began the service with "Hark the Harold Angels Sing". As people sang, the tears fell. That was when I finally realized that you were not going to be here with us this Christmas. My heart was broken. It's just not fair. I caught my breath and thought I was ok until I heard the music for "Away In The Manager". That was your song last year in the Christmas play. You were so excited to get to hold the microphone all by yourself and to sing to baby Jesus. I thought I was all teared out but I wasn't. I was sitting on the front row with all the children's choir kids. I heard one of them say "Missy's crying again". I was a tough morning, but the choir kids get me and all my tears. They love me even when I am an emotional mess. We all had a good cry during children's church.

Sunday night was the children's play. I have been rehearsing with the kids since September and it never bothered me. But that night during the performance.....whew! I sat on the floor directing the kids with tears running down my face. When the preschool choir came on stage, I lost it. That was when I realized that you would never be in a play again. I realized that all your friends are growing up and you are not here to experience life with them. That you would never sing in church again. That my baby was really gone. That you should have been on stage dressed as an angel singing a solo. I looked across the church at daddy and it broke my heart. I could tell by his face that he was realizing the same things as me. He just sat in the pew crying, well, really weeping. After the performance, I was talking to Ms Brenda and I just kept saying "She should be here. It's not right! She should be here on the stage singing". I just keep thinking "Why you? Why my sweet Leightyn"?

Today was a better day, well, compared to yesterday. I think I have only cried about six times today. I just thinking that Christmas is next week. I wonder how I am going to make it through Christmas. I mean, the holiday parties and songs are bad enough. How am I suppose to watch Mylea open presents by herself? How are daddy and I suppose to visit family on Christmas and pretend that we are ok? We dread it. We don't know how we are going to survive. When I think about this Christmas, I think about your big Christmas present. We planned to leave the day after Christmas and spend a week at Disney. You and Mylea had been asking for months to go back to Disney. Mylea still talks about wanting to go back. You didn't know it, but you were going to be going back. It was going to be a trip to remember. Dinner at Cinderella's castle. Breakfast with all the princesses. Six days at all the parks. Looking at all the lights. I was so excited about watching you open a box that had your Mickey ears wrapped up. I can only imagine your look and excitement when you found out about the trip......but, it's not going to be happening.

Daddy and I are still learning to deal with our emotions. It seems that my bad days are his good days and daddy's bad days are my good days. It's so hard to deal with all of this. We are now members of a club that no parent every wants to join. No parent wants to know what we are going through. But we somehow make it day by day. We have a very small group of people that we can go to. This group has no idea how much they have helped us and how much they mean to us. Daddy and I have gotten good with putting on a front. We know how to act like every thing is ok and that we are doing great. But, it's hard to hold back the tears and emotions. It's hard to deal with people who think we have had plenty of time to deal with this. I mean, there will never be enough time to deal with losing you. You were our first born and sadly our first loss.

I'm sorry Lei that I have avoided letter for several weeks. I don't want to be Debbie Downer but that's how I feel this I said, I'm a "funk"tified momma!

I love you and miss you more with each passing day!!!!


  1. Your post brought tears to my eyes. What a heavy burden to bear. I'm so sorry for your pain & anguish that consumes your heart. One day God will wipe the tears from your eyes. Hold on.........the loss will always be there..........but with the passing of time things will get will feel joy again.

  2. Doesn't life really suck sometimes? I wish your kind of pain didn't exist. I lost my mother many years ago and spent about 10 years thinking about her everyday. After 10 years something changed. That sadness you have inside you starts going away replaced with happy memories. Don't rush your feelings of grief- just do enough to make your other daughter enjoy the holidays. Life will go on- you are resilient.