"First" Christmas

My Angel Leightyn,

It's Christmas Eve. The hustle and bustle of the season is in full swing, and yet, it seems like any other day to me. It's hard to believe that Christmas is already here. It's even harder to believe that you aren't going to be here with us. I think that today and tomorrow will be our first big moment without you here with us. Daddy and I just keep saying "if we can only survive Christmas".

We had our Christmas get together with Logan, Laney, Macy, and Mady earlier this week. When all the kids were playing and opening presents, there was a very special friend missing.....YOU! I watched Logan play and I kept noticing him looking for you. All he wanted to play with were "Leightyn's toys". He kept asking me for a mermaid toy that "me and Leightyn always played with". I didn't know what he was talking about. As I watched him run around, I realized how much he has grown up since starting school. I wondered what you would be like now. How would school have changed you? How big would you have gotten in just a few months?

We had Christmas with Grandad, Jo, and Uncle Nigel on Tuesday. Mylea had fun and got some neat toys. There were a few gifts that were hard to watch her open. She got two aprons. I remember picking the aprons out for you and Mylea one morning while you were in Vacation Bible School. Mylea got some things that we picked out at Disney. It's so weird to think about when we bought certain gifts. Our life was normal and we had no clue that things were going to change.

Last night Macy came over and played with Mylea. They had a ball. Mylea was so excited to have a play buddy. It was so good to see her happy and laughing and it also reminding me of old moments that you two shared. Bath time was hard. Both girls wanted to play in the bathtub. As soon as they got it, it was shrieking and laughing and splashing until the moment they got out. I miss the sounds of bath time. You and Mylea could play in the tub for hours! I never realized how quiet Mylea plays until last night. Such good memories from the tub. I remember the time that we spiked your hair straight up with soap. Who knew that you had so much hair!!! I remember you teaching Mylea to swim in the big tub.

Yesterday I kept thinking about last Christmas. How normal and perfect every thing was. As I thought, it hit me that last year was your last Christmas with us. Little did I know that last year would be it for my sweet girl and Grandma Nancy. I thought about families that are celebrating this Christmas and wondering if this will be their last Christmas. I am so thankful that we had no idea that you would not spend another Christmas with us. I can't imagine the pain and hurt that families are going through wondering if their child will survive cancer or other illnesses. It really puts "holiday spirit" in to a new perspective for me.

Many wonder if I am still in a funk. I think I have gotten over it. Now it is more of an emotional funk. I can cry in a split second. As I walk through the house, I am surrounded by pictures of you. It really hits home that that is all I have left to hold on to......a picture. As I look at each picture, I am instantly taken back to that moment. It just really stinks!

Mylea said the sweetest prayer the other night. We were sitting at the table and she goes "Thank you God for mommy, daddy, and my sweet sister Leightyn". Oh Lei babe, how I wish you were here to be her sweet big sister! Last night, I was in bed talking to Mylea. We got to talking about you and I told Mylea that I miss you so much. Mylea looked up at me and said "me too! I miss my leightyn"! It just really stinks that she is not going to have her big sister to grow up with.

Faith and Grace gave us the sweetest Christmas card. They included a picture of you in their picture. The picture was from church camp. You were at the pool. How funny is that....your two favorite places...camp and the pool. It was so sweet to see that they wanted to include you. They sure did love you and they miss you so much. All the church kiddos do! I often hear them talking about memories and hearing them say "I wish Lei Lei didn't have to die". They also talk about getting to see you again. Many of them are hoping that you will meet them at Heaven's gates when it is time for them to go home. Some have asked if you are going to forget about them since you have many new friends. I always tell them that they hold a special place in your heart. And I believe they do! You loved your church friends and loved being around them!

Ms "Carol-win" gave me the sweetest present. She put some pictures of you from Sunday School in an album for me to treasure forever. I love it! Mylea proudly carries it around and will show the pictures to anyone who will listen. Mylea loves the one of you, Logan, and Tyler playing dress-up. She starts laughing and says "Logan's wearing a dress". I will cherish these pictures forever. You loved going to Sunday School. You loved playing with your friends. And you loved Ms Carol-win with all your heart.

I wonder what yall do in Heaven for Christmas. I can't imagine that there is not some sort of celebration for Jesus. I mean, without Jesus' birth and death there would be no way to get to heaven.

I love you sweet angel!!
Momma