Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Ramblings From Your Momma

My Sweet Leightyn,

It's been eight and a half months and I still miss you as much as I did the day we left the hospital without you. This past weekend, while in Little Rock, I drove past the Children's Hospital. Seeing the hospital made me sick. It felt like I had been punched in the stomach. It was all I could do to hold back the tears. We only spent two days at Children's but the way I felt passing it was like we lived in the hospital forever.

Mylea Jo still talks about you and has even picked up some more of your habits. When I try to take her picture, she smiles "like Leightyn did at Disney". This would be the mouth wide open, all teeth showing smile. She still loves to watch all of our home videos. Yesterday I tried to get Mylea to wear shorts and she quickly reminded me that her and sissy only wear dresses and bows. Oh my...how much she acts just like you.

I have to ask. How's the baby? I know you are doing a great job being a big sister. Was Grandma Nancy excited to meet the baby? I can't believe that Grandma Nancy has been in Heaven for a year. Who would have thought that last Easter would have been our last Easter not only with Grandma.....but also with you. It is all so crazy!!!!!

Daddy is doing great. Him and Mylea have been having date nights just like you use to have with daddy. We talk about you and still cry over the situation. Daddy came home the other night to see Mylea watching you dance in the parade at Disney. I love that video. You were a shy little girl. You were such a dancing queen at home and then as soon as you got the chance to dance in the parade........you froze. It was a great memory! Back to Daddy, it was really hard for him to watch. It's just not fair that you are not here with us anymore. I hate that Daddy didn't get to experience Disney with us. I just wish he had some of the great memories that I do.

Your friends at church still talk about you on a regular basis. I guess that's why I love our church kiddos so much. They still talk about you and their memories.....with such an innocence. Not worried about how I will respond and not careful to upset me. I love being able to talk, laugh, and cry with all of them. Just this past Sunday, one child told me that she couldn't wait to get to Heaven......."cause I want to see Leightyn and give her a hug".

We are working on our spring musical and all the kids got the chance to name their characters. In the upcoming play, we are going to have a "Leightyn" and a "Nan". I love it!!!!!! I use to worry that one day they will all forget you. They will grow up and move on from their Leightyn memories.....but, I can honestly say that I don't think they will every forget you. They still love you so much and wish you were here with them. They often remind me "how much fun you are having in Heaven".

This weekend at a Beth Moore conference, I learned something very important. It was as if the message was just for me. I have struggled lately with the feeling of being abandoned in past relationships. Really just hurt and disappointed. So much that it was extra stress in my daily life. Enough stress to make me sick. But this weekend finally made me understand that I can't change people. I can't change how they respond to us and our situations. I love the quote that Beth used: "Some people come and go. Some people come and leave and return to stay for a while before going again. Some people come and stay forever." Beth talked about life events that can and do change relationships. Some of these relationships will never be restored and I am now ok with that. I felt like it was on my shoulders to keep groups in our lives but maybe the relationship was not intended to be like it was before. I know that some people have a hard time accepting our circumstances and are not comfortable around us. I kinda think....well, this is our story and there is nothing we can do about it.

Being honest, we have hurts over relationships......family and friends. But, I have to give it all to God. When it feels that we have been deserted, I know that God is still there. There is a reason for the relationship to split. I have to learn to forgive the people who didn't come through for me and I have to move on. It's only hurting me. I am the only one who is dwelling on the relationships. I have to remember that only God can rescue me from these storms.....not family or friends.

So Sunday morning, I gave it all to God. All the hurt, disappointments, broken relationships, the why's......all of it. I just laid it at His feet and asked Him to restore the relationships the way He saw fit. And you know what Lei Lei, I haven't felt this good in so long. It is as if the weight of the world is off my shoulder's and I can finally breathe again. It's is such a wonderful feeling to be able to give it all to God and let Him deal with the situation.

You know what Leightyn Nan.......we're going to make it. I have so much more to share about the Beth Moore conference at a later time. I can't wait to see how God uses your story to fulfill my God given ministry.

I love you so much sweet thing!!! Kiss my baby! Have fun till I get there with you. Oh what a glorious day that will be!!!!!

Love ya ,

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