Monday, February 13, 2012

I Still Believe

Just wanted to write and let you know what all has been going on in our world. Right at a month ago, we welcomed Landry Lei Holmes into our family. We thought you would like her middle name. So just to give you the story, we went to the doctor and mommy's blood pressure was high and her feet were swelling. Not that it was dangerous, but jokingly she said to Dr Rainwater "we should just come back tonight and get induced", and to both of our surprise she said, let me make a call and see if they are busy. She got us scheduled and on the way to the car, everything begin to get real. We were fixing to have a baby. So to make a long story short, we got to the hospital later that night and mommy got all hooked up. Here is the rest that I posted on facebook about our "God moment" when your sister was born. :
So I have GOT to share our "God Moment" from yesterday (besides the obvious miracle of birth). It had been a long day, and the baby wasn't cooperating (must have been the Bearden in her). So after the epidural had quite work twice, (we'll skip the part where I got "light heading" watching them redo the epidural ..... ok ok so I passed out, yes Im one of those dads! Hey, I'm blaming it on low blood sugar)) Miss was hurting and "ready to be done". Since there had been no progress made in three hours, and the baby wasn't positioned quite right, so our Dr. (who we love), decided for a c section. Getting prepped and ready in a fashionable "hazmat suit", they asked what we would like to listen to during the surgery. Ummm ... Christan please! So, they got her started and a few minutes later at EXACTLY the same moment that they pulled Landry out of Miss' tummy, I Still Believe by Jeremy Camp, started playing on the radio. You see that is one of the two songs that we played at Lei's funeral. Talk about making a grown man ball like a baby, that just topped off such an emotional experience. God just reminding me (and Miss) "Your ok, Lei's ok, and Just continue to BELIEVE in me, I will take care of you!" Amazing, Simply amazing! Everyday there are things in life that cause us to question, but no matter what we MUST keep the faith! Thank You all for the kind words, thoughts, prayers, and encouragement for me and my family, and may God Bless you as much as He so undeservingly continues to bless me and my family!
What I didn't post on facebook was about the Sunday before. You see mommy and My and gone to church early for a meeting, so I decided to go to see you at the cemetery. I got there and stayed for about forty five minutes. Now, I don't know if you get to see us, hear us, but I like to think that your resting place is one where I am a little closer to you, if only for a moment. So basically here is what I prayed " God I know that Lei is okay, but just give me that assurance", I wanted an immediate answer. To be honest I left a little disappointed that I hadn't had my "God Moment". I hear about others that get to hear God and know that they're okay. I wanted that, I prayed for that. Finally, three days later, I believe that God did answer me, and I believe that it might have been the exact reason that mommy ended up having a c section. So God could give me (us) that God Moment" You see, there are just sometimes when I need that blessed assurance that He is still up to something.

You would be so proud of My. She has been the BEST big sister that had even surpassed what we would have thought. A lot of that credit goes to you. You were an amazing example of what a big sister should be like. Just as I cant believe how big that My is getting (some of the things she comes up with is so funny), its a struggle to imagine what you would have been like. What would have been to have a house full of three girls? What stuff would you have told us about what you learned at school? I know that we cant live in the "what would's", but it gets hard at time to not think about all we have missed, all we will miss. That's when we put or hope in God. Hope and faith, that tells us that God chose us, He chose you to be a part of His master plan, apart of the bigger picture that I cant wait to see one day. I love the verse which says
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared
with the glory which shall be revealed in us. Romans 8:18
Its tough, but one day it will all be worth it. It may be hard for some to believe that there will ever be anything that will make the death of a child an easy pill to swallow, but I believe the entire Word of God and we He says that badness of this life cant compare to the goodness that He has in store for us, I Believe that! For me, it does make it easier to know that even if it was just for one salvation (which there are many more that we know of) that He chose Leightyn, then it would be worth all of the pain that we experience for a short time, compared to all of the "glory" that He has waiting for us for all eternity. Sure we miss her like crazy, sure we wouldn't have chosen this road, sure we wish there would have been another (any other) way, but five years has nothing on forever.

(a side note) There are somethings that just bother me much more than they use too. I heard a guy talking the other day how he had to go pick up his daughter, and how he would have to "listen to her talk the whole way back". Excuse me, I thought to myself. How I would LOVE to listen to my daughter one more time, much less the "whole way back" from a long trip. People just don't know what they say sometimes. I miss hearing your voice, see your smiling face, and the times that I thought you "annoyed" me.

So, last Saturday I finished reading a book called "I Still Believe", by Jeremy Camp. Its a look into his life. How he lost his wife to cancer, how God has used her story and his testimony for the healing of so many through the words of his songs (which by the way are all amazing). Not that I like to see that others have suffered tragedy and trials, but it is encouraging to see how God can and does use our stories and the events in our lives to encourage others. Healing does take place, we may not completely heal this side of heaven, but God does heal if we choose to let Him. One thing that really touched me is how Jeremy would go up to a cabin, and fast and pray. During those prayers he would be open and honest with God about his questions, his feelings, and his fears. So, to be honest Lei, losing you was the toughest thing that I have ever had to face, and it scares me to death that I will have to feel that emotion again. I know that God is in control, and He will get us through anything. When most parents have a kid with a cold, its no big deal. When you have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, every little cough, breathing hard, bump on the head, headache, vomiting, and the littlest thing automatically signals fear and the thoughts of here we go again. So really, at times it scares me that God IS in control. Ive got to do better at strengthening my faith, and not letting satan instill any form of fear in me. "even when I don't see, I still believe". I know that you can see, you see the whole picture as you are wrapped in the arms of Jesus. What an awesome amazing experience that must be. I hope that you are as excited to see us, as we are to see you. Leightyn Nan, I love you so much, and miss you even more.
Untill that day....
love daddy

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