I haven't wrote in a long time. There are so many thoughts and emotions going on that I have never felt a peace about what and when to write. But tonight, I just can't seem to sleep due to thoughts racing through my head.
I have loved the blog world for several years. I love following families that I know and "meeting" families through their blogs. I love blogs that share stories of their children, blogs that share stories of hope, blogs that continue to praise God during the storms of life, blogs that share their adoption stories, blogs that share their pregnancies, and blogs that share their losses.
When I think about the blogs that I constantly check for updates, they all seem to have one theme in common.....loving God no matter what comes your way. I think about stories of parents watching their children battle the horrific thing called cancer. I think about stories of parents who thought they would never have children and at this moment God has blessed them with three adopted children and one special blessing of their own. I think about stories of a mom wondering why God chose to take her baby before it was born. And yet, all the years I have read about these lives, I never imagined that I would be one of those mommas with an unimaginable story
If you would have asked me ten years ago what my life would be like as I approached 30, my answer would have been: married, 4 kids that were born in my tummy and 2 kids that were born in my heart, stay at home mom, with a great husband, going to church, and having a great life. Well, God's plans for my life were nothing like mine. If you would have told me that I would face storm after storm, I probably would have laughed in your face. I never imagined that I would be one of those mommas with an unimaginable story.
Leightyn had asked us for a long time for another "brudder and sister". Landen and I had decided that when Leightyn started kindergarten that it would be time to plan for a new baby. I would have welcomed a new child at any moment, but I really wanted to enjoy Leightyn's last summer at home before she moved into the ever so busy school life. When Leightyn went to Heaven, I knew, without a doubt, that I still wanted more children. Mylea needed a sibling. She deserved the same memories and moments that she shared with Leightyn. I just never really thought that having children would be a question....more like, when to have them.
I began praying that God would bless us with a child as soon as He felt that we were ready. Many church friends prayed the same thing. Some even prayed that God would bless us with twins or triplets. Do you know how much fun that would be?!?!?!? Well, God chose to answer our prayers 12 weeks ago. About 10 weeks ago, I had that feeling. That feeling that I was pregnant and all would be great! I took a test and sure enough that pink line was there....within seconds. I decided not to tell anyone until I waited a few more days to take another test. My mom, Mylea, and I went to Tulsa for a few days. Do you know how hard it is to keep a baby secret while shopping in Carter's....in case you have no idea......it's hard!!!!
Mylea and I told Landen the great news and he was over the moon. We finally felt that we had made it through the storm and that God was giving us a blessing at a much needed time. We waited a few weeks to share the news with family and friends. Everyone was estactic. It was going to be a long seven months.
At my ten week check-up, the Dr. tried to find the heartbeat and she couldn't. We were told not to worry that we probably just weren't far along enough to hear it. I had blood drawn just to see where my levels were. When we left our appointment, I felt like I had hit a brick wall. I just had a feeling that something was wrong. After talking to the nurse and hearing that my levels were high, I tried to convince myself that all was well. But still, that feeling didn't go away.
Fast forward to this past Tuesday night. Landen and I are currently in Rod and Kathy Coleman's marriage small group. (I would recommend this retreat and small group to all married couples. Let me know if you want some info.) Anyways, this week we were talking about communication in marriages. At the very end of the session we had to write a letter to our spouse telling our hopes, dreams, fears, etc. currently in our marriage. I have never told Landen my fear until that moment. I wrote "something wrong in pregnancy/losing baby/more battles with cancer". Since our previous appointment, I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. I could put on a good pregnancy front, but deep down I felt different.
Wednesday morning I woke up with some spotting and knew we had to get to the Dr. After a very quiet ultrasound, we were taken to a room to discuss the findings with our Dr.
Landen and I just sat in silence. I knew what we were going to be told. I knew that the baby was no longer ours. I knew that we had miscarried. The Dr came in and her face told it all. She told us that we should be measuring at 12.5 weeks, but the baby was only 6 weeks along and had no heartbeat. Once again, I felt my world come crashing down. Why us? Again, why us? How could it be? Why must we face another storm? After further talks, we decided to have a D&C on Thursday. I went home in a daze. Here we are again thinking that life is getting better only to have more bad news. I instantly went in to a self pity party until I thought about my sweet Leightyn.
Leightyn got the "brudder" that she wanted so bad. Leightyn is being the big sister that she is so good at being. Leightyn got to introduce our baby to Jesus and will one day introduce him to me, Landen, and Mylea. As much as it stinks, I am so thankful that Leightyn got her wish and that our baby has someone special in Heaven loving on him and giving him the grand tour. But once again, I never imagined I would one of those mommas with an unimaginable story.
If you would have told me that when I was 29 that I would be married to a great guy, have 3 children....two that are in Heaven, I would have said "I will never be one of those mommas with an unimaginable story"
But I am.....and that is who God made me to be. Before I was born, God knew that I would be one of those mommas. Does it make life easier? No.... But, this is the life that God has willed for me. Does it stink sometimes? Yep.....But I believe with all my heart that God is blessing us in this very storm and did bless us through Leightyn's storm. I believe that God is using Leightyn's story and this new chapter in our life as a way to reach others. I believe that God has something planned for Landen and I. I believe that God's plan can only be accomplished by having us go through these storms. And I believe that one day soon, God will bless with a child to hold forever. Maybe even twins or triplets!!!!!!! :)
I believe that God made me one of those mommas with an unimaginable story.
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts,God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you."
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD".
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2 years ago